oh, hell.

April 24, 2008

: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
/throws strikeout

: Nice job, Ollie. I’d give your performance a thumbs up, except it’s all infected!

: EWWWWWWWWW GROSS! LA LA LA LA LA LA
/hits RBI single
LOOKIT I’M BETTER THAN DELGADO!!

: Still not as good as me.

: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH 😥
/throws eleven balls in a row

: /takes out calculator, burps silver dollars, eats baby kitten

: /hits towering shot off the wall, waddles to first, is out of breath

: NOW WAIT A GODDAMNED SECOND

: Hey!… Guys?…You gonna help me out here? I thought I was joining a winning team.

: Waaaaaiiiiiitttt…………………what did you say about me, Ollie?
/67 mph fastball for called third strike

: OMG you’re even slow to react to words?
/sighs, doubles, steals third, steals home

: Always nice to scratch out a run. That’s some good teamwork.

: What the–

: /hits batter in the head, throws wild pitch, walks five batters

: Welp, there’s another lousy start. Let’s get my guy in here.

: Oh, NO.
/gives up grand slam, pouts

: Hey! That’s my job!

: Oh don’t worry. You’ll get your chance.

: /skips under Delgado’s glove

: /rolls past Delgado

: See? Two runs just scored. Your ERA is still higher than Heilman’s.

: BUT I WANTED IT TO GO OUT OF THE STADIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: Can’t win ’em all.

: I’LL SAY!

: Did you say something, Churchie?
/dives for groundball, realizes he is asleep in bed
Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking!

[With all apologies to The Dugout.]

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ROLAND GARROS HATES FREEDOM

May 30, 2007

: Har har har! Americains stupides! I haf behrrreed you dans mon dust rouge! I haff caused assfixiassion for entirety of your coontree!

: I just don’t get it. I won most of my first tournaments on clay…

: Stupide americain clay! Ho ho ho! Not ze same zing, n’est-ce pas?

: I guess not. Man, I’ve really sucked in the past few years. My strong American jawline no longer causes fear in the hearts of my opponents. I should’ve never broke up with Mandy Moore.

: [UNFUCKINGGODLY NOISE]

: Oh my God I never wanna hear that at 3 am ever again.

: Andy you said you’d give me more MaSha animal sex stories for a sequel to my wildly successful tell-all.

: Pffft, as successful as your results here.

: Why don’t you go get shingles or herpes or whatever the hell that was again? Then you can come back, play good for two months, get everyone’s hopes up, and then flame out consistently?

: Way ahead of you.

: Har har har! None of you shall evarrr conquerrr Roland Garros! Your coontree will forever be cursed to impotence on ze grannnn Fransch stage!

: BITCHES I am ready to win here again don’t you even TRY n’ FRONT.

: Merde. [searches for inhaler]

: Psssst, Justine. Perrhaps you can cheat once more, non?

: Bien sur.

: Allez! Au revoir, Americains! Enjoy your cheezeberrgerrrrrs!