get in line, honey

August 12, 2008

Hat tip to Pretzel pal BorL for this:

Saturday night Mets game against Marlins…. you were playing 3rd base for the Mets. 6’1, athletic build, charming smile. I think you smiled at me (I was sitting 2nd tier) MUST KNOW YOUR NAME!

Who wants to email her back and write “Hey this is Aaron Heilman”?

and i thought i was obsessed.

March 14, 2008

Joe Smith is God.

It is written.


March 7, 2008

Please for you to click on this link.

Great quote by Terry Francona re: the pride of Woodland, CA:

“I haven’t had a heart attack, I think I’ve come close,” Francona said. “My chest hurt I was laughing so hard. I got a headache I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a moron. He looked a puppet on a string.”


God bless the Sox.

baseball is making me crazy or maybe it’s the illness

October 5, 2007

I think I’m coming down with something. First of all, I’ve been having images of Kaz Matsui hitting grand slams in the postseason…what?! Um, ok. I don’t know how to feel about Matsui being a total choke while on the Mets, and then turning around and helping to kill off the Phillies.

Actually I do: SUCK IT, PHILLY.

I actually do think I’m getting ill though. Last night, while listening to the Indians completely dominate the Yankees (btw, the John Sterling-Suzyn Waldman broadcasting team makes me want to cut my ears off. Sterling has this awful affected wavering to his voice, and Waldman is just the worst kind of combination of Masshole/Bronx/Jersey I’ve ever heard, and they both seem remarkably bored by everything, and it just makes me really appreciate Howie Rose and Tom McCarthy and their insight, humor, and enthusiasm thankyouverymuch) I started drifting off to sleep. While asleep I had the following dream:

Huge uproar. President Bush on TV, looking stern and making a grave speech about something. Behind him is the First Lady, hand over her face, shaking her head in horror.

“What began as a simple celebration,” intones Bush to a rattled country, “turned into one of the most gruesome acts I have ever witnessed in my life.”

Quick cut to Terry Francona in the audience, pensive, arms crossed. Bud Selig is next to him, blowing a bubble and shrugging.

Bush says, “I hereby ban Jonathan Papelbon from participating in this year’s playoffs.” 

Shock! Horror! Outrage! Gasping! Nodding in agreement! The deafening sounds of screeching on the Pike! Jonathan Papelbon is being dragged away from Fenway Park in handcuffs! What is going on?!??!?!

I check the computer, dazed, and Google “Jonathan Papelbon controversy.” And then I find the offending piece of news in the form of a photo:

Papelbon. With his balls on Laura Bush’s face.

Come on, doesn’t he look like the kinda guy who’d put his balls on your face?

I mean, I wouldn’t mind. Or something. Um, what?

Oh in another news, the Cubs lost again.

david newhan hit a triple.

August 8, 2007

That’s about the only piece of good news I can give you after last night’s loss to the Braves. David Fuckin Newhan hit a triple.

Oh I guess also Scott Schoeneweis came in with 2 outs and a man on second and got him to ground out to first.

Also, Moises Alou made a sweet diving catch and managed not to break any bones!

Man, what other implausible feat will I experience next? Brave Killer Oliver Perez getting shelled? Jose Reyes being afraid to catch a foul ball? Hahahahahhaaha…oh shit, what?

Lastly, I hate this guy:

Not so much the four-hit game, because I mean, good show, Francoeur. Well done. But I hate your face. You fucking smirky French piece of shit. I fucking hate you. Stop smirking.

you mean you DON’T like balls flying in your face?

July 18, 2007

Not so tough now, huh Anastasia Rodionova? Who? Yeah, I dunno.

Some strange shit going on in Ohio lately. There’s this unfortunate piece of business, and now the off-the-radar Western & Southern Financial Group Women’s Open in Cincinnati (awful name) has experienced a bit of controversy as, in the midst of an apparently heated third round match, Rodionova was defaulted after hitting a ball in the direction of fans of her opponent, Angelique Kerber. You mean someone named Angelique Kerber has fans? You mean people were actually watching a match between the 73rd and 78th-ranked players in the world? Huh. I really hope this is some grand Cincinnati scheme to get the tournament some headlines after Serena Williams pulled out because she lost her thumb and calves at Wimbledon.

On the one hand, I find it deplorable behavior by a supposed professional athlete. On the other hand, I am quite amused. On the third hand (birth defect, shhh), I say: why not? Pretty badass move. Also: people named Anastasia tend to be jerks, so whatever.
As penance for Ms. Rodionova’s raging bitchitude, I propose the following possible solutions by the WTA (the $5,000 fine isn’t enough, though I bet that’s half of Rodionova’s yearly earnings right there):

  • Rodionova has to stand in the middle of a circle of Kerber fans equipped with a ball and racquet (must supply own).
  • Rodionova has to comb the lawns of Wimbledon in search of Serena Williams’ calves and thumb, then get beat the fuck up by Serena.
  • Rodionova must be locked in a room with nothing but the sound of Maria Sharapova’s screaming for 24 hours or until deafness sets in, whichever comes first.
  • Rodionova must be locked in a room with nothing but the sound of Dick Enberg calling her “delicious” for 24 hours or until her ovaries fall out, whichever comes first.
  • Rodionova must take lessons from John McEnroe on how to properly throw a tantrum without crying like a little bitch afterwards.

Incidentally, my favorite bit of wordplay in weeks.


June 26, 2007


UGH. It was looking like yet another magical Mets comeback victory, another one of those games where you’re absolutely sure that the Mets won’t lose. They don’t lose these games! They don’t. Oh, except for some poor managing decisions late in the game. Can someone please walk me through the ridiculous thought process that went on in Willie Randolph’s head? The Mets just tied it up 3-3 in the bottom of the ninth, runners on second and third with two outs, and your pinch hitter is…JULIO FRANCO? Oldest man in the world? In what universe–IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE–do you decide to have Franco pinch hit when you’ve got better options (Damion Easley and Ramon Castro) sitting on the bench?

So, okay. Franco grounds out to end the inning, and we go to extras. Okay, the Mets still win these games. Breathe in, breathe out. Billy Wagner does his usual brilliant 1-2-3 in the tenth, and in the eleventh you bring in…SCOTT SCHOENEWEIS? Worst Show Ever. In what universe–IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE–do you decide to bring in Show before Joe Smith (or hell, even Aaron Sele, the last remaining bullpen option)?! Of course–OF COURSE–Show then gives up a homerun to Brendan Ryan (his first career homer!), and after managing to squeeze two outs out of Show, Willie THEN decides to bring in Joe Smith. Oh, but St. Louis then scores an insurance run on an error by Jose Valentin, who had earlier tied the game on an RBI double! Way to wipe out that goodwill, Jose. The Mets of course go quietly in the bottom of the eleventh to end the game, losing what should have been their fifth win in a row, and their second in a row in extra innings.

As referenced in the previous post, I had a few palpitations when Schoeneweis was brought in on Sunday, but he managed to go 1-2-3. He also had an eight-run lead to work with. These are the only times Show should ever be brought in. And even then, think long and hard before you bypass Sele. Jesus fucking Christ. Someone take away that man’s brisket.