As a Mets fan first and a baseball fan second, this postseason so far has been one where I’ve been in the position of wondering whether I was cheering for a team or rooting against one. I know it’s not particularly novel, but considering Worst Collapse In History Etc., I wasn’t sure if I needed a break from baseball, if it would be too heartbreaking to watch a postseason that should have included the Mets goddammit, but then: why wallow when you can lash out? The game goes on, and what a beauty of a game it is. Especially when my feared Yankees-Phillies World Series projection was snuffed out early. Schadenfreude is delicious. As are the tears of a clown.
With the four teams competing for a World Series berth, it’ll be less about rooting against. There are no remaining enemies on the Yankees or Phillies scale, really. The Indians are a good, young, exciting team that outslugged the vaunted Yankees; too bad about the racist mascot. The Red Sox are full of lovable talented goofballs; the vaunted New England Smug that would choke the rest of the country were they to get another title would be the only drawback. The Rockies smacked around the Phillies, which is enough to give them my loyalty for the month; if they win it, I’m worried that they will never ever lose another game ever again. The Diamondbacks…I dunno, whatever. But the fact that I have no major beef with any of these teams means that I can just enjoy the play and its subsequent dramatics.
So to celebrate, here are the Babe Representatives of the ALCS and NLCS. I really have nothing much else to say.
Cleveland Indians: Grady Sizemore
Look at my dimples! I am ADORABLE, hello. [note: Sizemore’s pictorial Jekyll and Hyde-ness is curious; sometimes he is the hottest thing on two legs, sometimes he looks like a stoned mook.]
Boston Red Sox: Jacoby Ellsbury
I’m the hottest Indian this side of Sizemore LOLZ.
(Alternately, there’s also GM Theo Epstein. Am I crazy, or this guy a total babelicious hunk?
Also, I’ve been told his grandpa wrote Casablanca and his sister worked on Homicide: Life on the Street. Can I be an Epstein, please?)
Colorado Rockies: Matt Holliday
That position works well for you, Matty. Um…excuse me for one second.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Micah Owings
I mean, I guess? Any pitcher who can hit two home runs in a game is pretty studly in my book. Also, the Dbacks: not particularly loaded with hotties.
In Mets land, there’s really nothing that I could write that would be any better than this analysis by the incomparable Faith and Fear in Flushing. I agree with just about everything said in it, so just go and read that rather than my drivel.