it’s nice that they’re so supportive of each other

August 11, 2008

L-R: Mets bullpen members Duaner Sanchez, Joe Smith, Pedro Feliciano, Aaron Heilman, and Scott Schoeneweis embrace after giving up a 5-1 lead in an eventual loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Awww, how cute.


no closer? *cues up yakety sax*

August 6, 2008

Oh, Heilman. Heilman, buddy. I wonder if you’re being trotted out there to no doubt fail as penance for some assorted undisclosed crimes against humanity that are only privy to the Mets front office and coaching staff. NO ONE wants to see you in a close situation anymore, and walking the lead-off batter on four pitches certainly won’t help your cause with the fans. A three-run homer to a man named Jody sucks too, but that kind of thing has come to be part and parcel to a Heilman appearance.

Certainly Heilman should have had a better fate had Argenis Reyes actually tried for that bloop single, and then later turned a coulda-woulda-shoulda double play, but a batter later we saw a four-run belt-loosening fresh-glass-of-water-ahhhh lead turn into a rocking-in-the-fetal-position one-run nailbiter. Thankfully Joe Smith and Scott Schoeneweis got the final two outs, Show earning the save and saying, “Me getting a save is about as much of a highlight as I ate the 1,000th cheesesteak served in the away clubhouse in Philadelphia this year. That’s about what it’s like. Right guy in the right place. Lucky.” That’s pretty good, Schoeny, especially considering your post-game interview with Ed Coleman was about the most incoherent, mumbled, pause-filled atrocity I’ve heard from an athlete in quite some time.

Not that it matters, but I also got a nice mild vindication for my previous post, where I stated that I was excited to see what these young kids could do for the team. Not that I think they’re the answer, certainly–way too early for that–but as a fan I can’t help but be sucked in by young blood. Daniel Murphy not only continued his Endy impersonation but also rapped a double for his first Major League RBI. He also worked two walks, which is probably even more impressive. Previous to that, Argenis Reyes had also worked a walk to get the rally started. Nick “I only get a hit every coupla weeks” Evans also hit a double, and two errors allowed Beltran to score what turned out to be the pivotal run. Now, if only we’d seen Eddie Kunz in the ninth, then the rooks would’ve been all accounted for (I’m not counting Carlos Muniz, because boy has he been lousy lately). It would have been nice for Kunz to make his first appearance at Shea, especially afforded a four-run lead; if he got in trouble then give him the quick hook. He certainly couldn’t have done worse than Heilman.

Lost amid the Benny Hill bullpen was a nice performance by Mike Pelfrey, who worked 6 2/3 for his team-leading 10th win, as well as a perfect 1 1/3 by Pedro Feliciano, probably the best I’ve seen him all season. Pelf and Pedro deserve kudos for theoretically giving the bullpen some rest, before Heilman went up there and gave a man named Jody a marshmallow while singing “Kumbaya.”

Oh, and there’s this:

CAN YOU HEAR THE MUTHAFUCKIN DRUMS?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!

Where the hell would the Mets be without Fernando Tatis? That’s not rhetorical, either; Howie Rose asked the same question last night, and if you think to the troubles the Mets have had both in the outfield and with their offense (the first, oh, five innings last night were downright anorexic), Fernando continues to show us his Tatis, hitting game-changing homers or coming up with clutch RBIs exactly when the Mets need them most. I am unable to recall how many times this season Tatis has been the hero of the game, because every few days or so it seems he’s the one–not Beltran, not Reyes, not Wright; sometimes Delgado–who’s making the big play.

I hope the man never stops drinking his Gatorade.


another big PHEW in philly

July 7, 2008

Only the Mets can turn a 10-1 laugher into EXTREME AGITA NAILBITING BOTTOM OF THE NINTH GAME-WINNING RUN AT THE PLATE. What in the hell, Armas/Heilman/Wagner?! This team, I swear, is trying to kill me. I almost died last night. Didn’t realize my Great Mets Offense-induced coma almost turned life-threatening.

And then Goddam Jayson Werth comes up to face Billy Wagner as the game-winning run. A day after he hit the game-tying run in the bottom of the ninth. Of course, of course. I expected the worst, because you know the old saying about history repeating itself. I would like my new saying of “Billy Wagner should never pitch against the Phillies” to become as firmly entrenched.

But thankfully, that didn’t happen. Thankfully, Werth flied to right. Thankfully, the Mets held on for a 10-9 victory, move a game above .500, win the series, and pull to within 2.5 behind the Phils.

Phew. Thank fucking God.


oh, hell.

April 24, 2008

: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
/throws strikeout

: Nice job, Ollie. I’d give your performance a thumbs up, except it’s all infected!

: EWWWWWWWWW GROSS! LA LA LA LA LA LA
/hits RBI single
LOOKIT I’M BETTER THAN DELGADO!!

: Still not as good as me.

: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH 😥
/throws eleven balls in a row

: /takes out calculator, burps silver dollars, eats baby kitten

: /hits towering shot off the wall, waddles to first, is out of breath

: NOW WAIT A GODDAMNED SECOND

: Hey!… Guys?…You gonna help me out here? I thought I was joining a winning team.

: Waaaaaiiiiiitttt…………………what did you say about me, Ollie?
/67 mph fastball for called third strike

: OMG you’re even slow to react to words?
/sighs, doubles, steals third, steals home

: Always nice to scratch out a run. That’s some good teamwork.

: What the–

: /hits batter in the head, throws wild pitch, walks five batters

: Welp, there’s another lousy start. Let’s get my guy in here.

: Oh, NO.
/gives up grand slam, pouts

: Hey! That’s my job!

: Oh don’t worry. You’ll get your chance.

: /skips under Delgado’s glove

: /rolls past Delgado

: See? Two runs just scored. Your ERA is still higher than Heilman’s.

: BUT I WANTED IT TO GO OUT OF THE STADIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: Can’t win ’em all.

: I’LL SAY!

: Did you say something, Churchie?
/dives for groundball, realizes he is asleep in bed
Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking!

[With all apologies to The Dugout.]


oh blerg

April 21, 2008

Tonight I went to watch the Mets-Cubs game at Mullholland’s, the only sports bar I know of in Williamsburg (not to be all adverty, but what a nice space to watch a game; if I had an actual readership I’d set up a game-watching meetup here) and found myself surrounded by Cubs fans, of all things. Where is the turnout, Brooklyn Mets fans?! Oh, do you all have TVs unlike me?

You all saw or listened to or heard about the game, so I won’t get into specifics, except to say that before the start of this short two-game series, I made a bet with my Cubs fan pal Michael. The team whose bullpen gave up the most runs in this series would buy the other a fancy dinner, provided that one of us was in each other’s city at some point.

Suffice it to say, I was pretty confident in our bullpen (well, at least those members whose names are Duaner, Joe, and Billy) and was feeling better about it before I realized that Ryan Dempster–he of the roughly 38 ERA vs. the Mets last season–was now a starter.

WELL. Thanks to Aaron Heilman (with a nice little assist from Jorge Sosa), it seems that I’ve already lost this bet. Because even though I believe the Mets will take tomorrow’s game, I think the runs will be scored off of Ted Lilly rather than Michael Wuertz or Kerry Wood or whatever deadweight is currently in that pen.

So Mike, you better hope that I actually make it down to San Marcos when Emily moves there. Otherwise, you’ll have to make good on your two-years’ standing vow to come back to New York. And pick a place. Oh also: go eat a dick.


so

April 18, 2008

Good game by the Mets tonight, great offensive performance by David Wright, excellent start by Johan Santana, the offense tacked on some runs, we beat that punk bitch Cole Hamels, yada yada.

But seriously can Aaron Heilman stop pitching in close situations? To the Phillies? Good God, this shit is not funny anymore.

In the eighth, Santana gave up two consecutive singles and Heilman is brought up. Without even thinking I’m like “Oh NO.” And in no time at all, Heilman gives up a three-run homer. I wasn’t even surprised or even that mad. That shit was mad predictable. Just like, yeah. That’s what Heilman does. I mean, look at the guy:

If that is not a picture of a guy who can’t handle a taut game against your biggest rival, I don’t know what is.

But hey, we got the win, so I can’t complain too much.