oh please

October 30, 2008

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies for riding a remarkably passable starting rotation and streaky offense and incredible douchitude all through the year and winning the World Series despite Monday’s Act of God and the Cinderella Rays who reached midnight and turned into a pumpkin. Hopefully this means you can FINALLY stop using Jose Reyes’s extended finger baserunning for motivation since, you know, YOU WON THE WORLD SERIES AND EVERYTHING.

So long as John McCain loses the election I’ll be able to almost kinda swallow this horrible horrible outcome.

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an open letter to the los angeles dodgers

October 16, 2008

Dear Los Angeles Dodgers,

I write to you in a state of disrepair (much like your bullpen in Game 4 of the NLCS! Lolz!). Throughout this postseason I have vacillated from disappointment to envy, disillusionment to schadenfraude, dismissal to–finally–vague interest.

Last year this was not the case. Last year, after I coaxed myself out of numbness following the Mets Collapseā„¢, I managed to be brought along for the October fun by the Jesus Rockies and Eye Candy Sizemore and all those goddam Red Sox fans I know. This year has seemed futile except for Tampa Bay (and I await AndyMarkyMikeyJohnnySully’s FAAACKKKK YOOO. GO SAHX!) and, lo(l) the ever-underwhelming Cubs. But I wasn’t that invested with their fates.

The one common thread between this October and last: searing hatred of the Phillies.

Now Dodgers, you know how I feel about you. You know that I was in love you, prepared to give you my life, but you went and betrayed me during a period that should have solidified our coupling. You gave me Kirk Gibson hobbling around the bases. You gave me Hideo Nomo (the thing eventually broke down and nearly set the house on fire but it was lovely for a while). You gave me Mike Piazza, and then you took it away. This to me, as a hormonally unbalanced teenager, seemed like the ultimate betrayal. So I left you for the Mets. And though they may treat me badly, like I’m Meredith Baxter Birney in a Lifetime movie, I don’t feel betrayed by them. Beaten, abused, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, sure. But never betrayed.

You had the opportunity to do something good for me just this once, to–if not win back my love–earn my respect. And you let those clowns from Philadelphia just walk all over you. You were never a stand-up guy, Dodgers. It’s funny to think about it ten years later, but I knew that walking out on you was the best decision I could’ve made. I knew that the feverish passion I had for you was a product of my youth, of timing. I knew it would dissipate. Because I knew in the end you wouldn’t give a damn anyway.

Perhaps I should thank you for ten years ago. For instigating my shifting of loyalties. Because man, I may be disappointed, but at last I’m not the one who has to look at you right now: sitting there on the couch, belly hanging over your belt, dozing off with a beer in one hand as cheesesteaks rain on your fat head.

Thanks for nothing,

-Your Crazy Ex-Girlfriend


it would be nice to beat the phillies more than 10% of the time, but let’s call this a stepping stone

April 10, 2008

Go Big Pelf!

Well that’s more like it. Our nine-game losing streak to Phillies has finally (huzzah!) been snapped. Break out the bubbly!

After a stressful day of trying to find ANYONE who would go to the game with me tonight (considering all my friends were sick/busy/unresponsive after initial interest/had experienced in-person at least two Pelfrey losses last season and had had enough/more injured than Pedro, Alou, and El Duque combined), I warily posted an ad on Craigslist only to have a very nice Chicagoan via Los Angeles who’d spent time in New Orleans–attending many a Zephyr game–respond, and we had quite the pleasant evening, mist be damned. It helps when your team wins 8-2.

The offense tonight wasn’t exactly sterling (how in hell do you manage to have the bases loaded in both the first and second innings and only score one run?!) but the Mets were able to capitalize on some ungodly/comical errors by the Phillies, including two by my favorite Phillie Eric Bruntlett. Can he play all the time plzkthx. That lovely man got a very warm Shea round of applause when he came up to bat later in the game.

The big story for me was seeing Pelfrey (of whom, ahem, I may have said some not-nice things about once upon a time) look loose and comfortable on the mound, doing a lot to alleviate at least some of the fears that Mets fans have regarding our starting rotation. Not all, of course, but some. If he can pitch with any semblance of the consistency and–forgive me–flat-out cojones of tonight, then I’ll be more than happy to see him up here all year. What was most impressive to me was working out of that jam in the second inning: by rights he should’ve been out of it if not for a SPECTACULARLY HORRENDOUS fielding job by Jose Reyes on what should’ve been the inning-ending DP. I may or may not have yelled “Wake the fuck up Reyes!” with children around. A run would eventually score, but instead of channeling an ’07 Perez/Maine Ritalin commercial, Pelfrey hunkered down and got through the inning relatively unscathed. I really wanna buy me one of them shirts.

Other tidbits:

  • I am very excited for CitiField. I hope I’ll be able to go at least once.
  • There’s some kind of ridiculous fan dance-off that occurs at some point. The PA guy played some Bee Gees and some white girl and some white boy were the contestants. After watching their atrocious moves I certainly screamed “Y’all whitefolk can’t dance!” To the amusement of the Dominican father and son behind me. The white boy eventually won, mainly because he did a terrible worm while the girl just kind of did the “Wooo I’m so drunk!!!!” sorority girl shuffle.
  • Very many people commented approvingly on my Mets-colored Converse sneakers, which I custom designed on their website. Dorky yes, but this happened when I was listening to a John Maine-pitched spring training game, and I was full of optimism and light.
  • Phillies fans are really ugly and boorish. There was at least one fight that broke out, which prompted a lot of jeers and laughter from the Mets fans in attendance
  • My favorite at-bat songs: Brian Schneider’s “In The Air Tonight” (Phil Collins, lolz) and Pelfrey’s “Nasty” (Janet, Ms. Jackson if you’re…well you know. Song rulz!)
  • There’s nothing better than a 7-train ride home after a win and everyone in the car chants “Let’s Go Mets!” and gives each other high-fives and fist-bumps and thumbs-up. Hey Mets, please give us fans more of these moments please and thank you.