why gay men should be more involved in sports (even if it’s only in advertising), or: notes on failed camp

April 9, 2010

Let us take a close look at the following monstrosity, shall we?

We begin with WFAN’s Craig Carton asking some standard spring training questions that actually did arise re: David Wright’s improved physique, to which Wright—as ever—woodenly responds as if he’s memorized from a pre-approved script, though this time that’s actually the case. He even gets his “uhhhhm” in! Very Method. With the phrase “situational training,” we get to the meat of the commercial: Rocky theme blaring as we see shots of Wright and “The Situation” (of MTV’s Jersey Shore fame, though I do not know his real name as I have not partook in this particular pop cultural phenomenon…is it Mike?) running, doing sit-ups, and various other standard athletic pursuits that quickly become absurd (Wright hitting The Situation’s abdomen with a baseball bat).

I was made aware of the ad’s existence during an interview with Wright on WFAN’s morning show with Carton and Boomer Esiason, wherein Carton promised that the ad would showcase “a side of David Wright you don’t get to see.” Clearly I hoped for an ass-shot or some semblance thereof, but obviously Carton meant something about Wright’s humor and goofiness. And certainly the commercial strives towards transcendent goof, what with the ridiculous presence of The Situation, and possibly could have reached it if not for one thing: David Wright yet again exhibits almost zero personality.

It’s a strange thing about Wright; for someone so young and talented, with a face holding immense charismatic potential, he always—at least when speaking—comes off as mildly dull and humorless. There is evidence that this isn’t the case; witness the great bubblegum-hat shenanigans of June 2007 (ah, a simpler, more innocent time). But generally, Wright does and says all the right things, and that’s why we, as a fanbase, love him. Not much of an actor though, which brings down what should have been a hilarious commercial—even if it had simply delved into some lazy homoerotic comedy, though there is a bit of gay panic in Wright’s eyes when The Situation is holding his leg, as well as in the stilted way they interact with each other, like gym buddies who haven’t yet seen each other in the showers—into something kind of embarrassing, especially when the end declares vitaminwater to be “comeback water.” Sheesh, from Coca-Cola’s money to the baseball gods’ ears.

Some good bits: their parallel slides, as well as Wright in a tanning booth. And the pairing does make some kind of perverse sense; with those eyebrows, hasn’t Wright always coded as a little bit guido? (In case you are tempted to say no, please recall the following photograph:

Homeboy looks like a white Bobby Cannavale up there.)

The ad would’ve been funnier if it had been played serious and straight; as it is, we all know it’s a joke and so the humor here already exists in quotes as opposed to being organic or surprising. To paraphrase Susan Sontag (who I’m sure is rolling around in her grave right about now), camp that knows it is camp is usually unsatisfying. See also: Lady Gaga.

The spot would’ve benefited from a better actor, surely. But hey, David Wright isn’t an actor. David Wright is a baseball player. A baseball player who will probably go down as the greatest one to ever play in a Met uniform. And that’s enough for me.

Other than him taking his shirt off for once, JEEZ.

For more (and better) thoughts on David Wright, please read this exceptional piece from Patrick Flood.

*

We’re always so optimistic on Opening Day, aren’t we? I guess I should thank MLB scheduling for having a day between games 1 and 2 of the season, so that the euphoria of the Mets 7-1 victory over the Marlins could last a little bit longer before the early reality of this team set in.

*

And now, a new blog segment I’m calling And Now, Time For A Lack of Tact (with Jerry Manuel), courtesy of Surfing The Mets:

Jose Reyes is at Citi Field and expected to address reporters in about an hour. Jerry Manuel was just asked if Reyes would be in the lineup tomorrow.

“Yes, unless he gets hit by a car or something,” Manuel said.

Yeah, that’s actually pretty funny and everything, but good grief, is Duaner Sanchez driving him?

*

Okay, see you in four months or whatever!


yes or no or what or huh

December 9, 2008

So apparently we are getting K-Rod maybe the talks are going well what yes oh wait for the physical, okay. I don’t like to make comments on such things until they are real and tangible, but I will say that while I’m neither here nor there as far as getting K-Rod goes, I loved watching him destroy the Giants in 2002.

Also this on Gawker Stalker!:

Just walked past David Wright looking fine in a bright orange fleece

DAVID. You don’t have to wear orange and blue ALL THE TIME, JEEZ. Someone introduce this man to a stylist.

Oh, usually he looks like this?:

OH OKAY FINE. But David, NO ONE plays drums with a sweater on fer Chrissake. Unless you’re in Low, I guess.


disappointing wins or not, who doesn’t love a walkoff celebration?

August 7, 2008

Also the video.


the mets are the worldwide leader in disappointing wins

August 7, 2008

How many disappointing wins have the Mets had this year? 6? 12? It feels like every time Santana has a no decision it’s a disappointing win, because Santana almost always pitches a seven-inning, two-run game and the offense is underwhelming and the bullpen blows it. Oh it happened again today? WHADDAYAKNOW.

Thank God for David Wright, coming up with the walk-off homer. Thank God Jerry didn’t sit him after yesterday’s boners (not the good kind). And thank God the Mets were able to fend off the AAA Padres. With a bunch of young kids from AA Binghamton (on Sesame Street Day at Shea, no less!) providing many of the non-Santana pre-ninth inning highlights.

Have I said enough that I’m in love with Daniel Murphy? I’m in love with him. There, I said it. Feels good.

Now Duaner and Scott, you owe Johan a steak.

Oh, there’s also this:

For some reason, American Idol winner David Cook and one of the losers Carly Smithson were in attendance. I don’t know why, but I hope neither sang the national anthem. It would’ve been way yowly.


apropos of nothing

August 7, 2008

Time for a fashion critique!

Joe Smith: Nice color and design of t-shirt, although whatever that is (a ship?) is a bit, um, garish. And those jeans wouldn’t look out of place at, like, Union Pool or something. Lastly, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEFT ARM?@!?!?!?1

David Wright: Form-fitting t-shirts are always a plus, especially with a well-defined torso. The faux-retro faded letter bullshit is so frat boy, but I guess it’s a decent enough design with which to whore Nike. Your watch is ridiculous. And cargo shorts are a crime against humanity.

Carlos Muniz: What in the good name of fuck. That better be a psych-metal band, otherwise you have absolutely no excuse.


the mets are so bo derek

July 18, 2008

I had this whole visual joke all ready to go but then I see that Metstradamus has beaten me to the punch. LOL@me.

Last night’s game was a rollercoaster, equal parts excruciating, exciting, disappointing, hilarious, and ultimately deeply satisfying.

But I won’t call it surprising. Not after these ten games. I’m not surprised by the fight back we witnessed last night. I’m not surprised by Fernando Tatis anymore, because now it seems that the only time he ever gets a hit is when someone’s on base, waiting to get driven in. I’m not surprised that Carlos Delgado is resembling an honest-to-God Major League hitter again, because he’s been taking his walks like a patient man and waiting for a meatball to smoke, which he inevitably does. I’m not surprised by David Wright’s heroics, because when Argenis Reyes singled in the top of the ninth I nonchalantly thought, “Well a third two-run homer would get us back in business,” and then instantly I heard the ball ricocheting off his bat, Wayne Hagin’s voice soaring with it and optimism and my pumped fist as it went over the wall. And I’m not surprised the succession of hard hits by Beltran, Easley, Delgado, and Tatis, because over the past ten games we’ve seen this team get on these runs, stringing together hits for a big inning, moving the line along like automatic assembly to craft something so lovely and satisfying like a four-run ninth, tenth win in a row, and a tie for first place.

Not surprised by the pitching either, sorry to say. Not surprised by Santana’s terrible start; it figures the one time the Mets actually score oodles of runs during a game he pitches it’d be after he was knocked out in the fourth. He’s had his dominant-looking performances here and there this season, but usually they’ve been spoiled by lack of offense and/or bullpen meltdown. I’m not sure I’ve been wholly satisfied with Santana since the first game of the season, and I expect that to change soon enough. It’s enough that Pelfrey has started to look the stud. But you could sense Santana’s troubles a-brewin’ during that second inning when the Reds loaded the bases. He just didn’t have it, and a few innings later–afforded a 2-0 lead thanks to Delgado–it all went down the tubes real fast.

The bullpen’s 19 1/3 scoreless innings streak had to end sometime, and after Muniz relieved Santana and Feliciano relieved Muniz, it was looking pretty good. You’d of course have to think that any runs given up by the bullpen would eventually–according to recent history at least–happen with a combination of Aaron Heilman and Scott Schoeneweis, which is exactly what happened, despite their recent efficacy. The troubling part about it was Heilman, as fantastically good over the past month and a half as he was bad during the first two months, getting two quick outs in the inning, only to give up a double, intentional walk, and another walk. Smart move by Jerry Manuel to bring in Schoeneweis, who’s been great at inducing ground balls but, if my memory is correct, not-so-great at stranding inherited runners. Enter bases-clearing double. Thankfully for them, Sanchez pitched a scoreless eighth and the offense would work its magic.

And what to say about Wagner? Sure, I was feeling a little shaky considering his All-Star appearance, but after Encarnacion popped up on the first pitch I remembered, “Wags only blows it against the Phillies!” (insert wah-wah horns). At any rate, nice to see an easy 1-2-3 deal-sealing after the offense’s tremendous comeback in the top of the inning.

So many heroes last night, from big (Delgado) to small (the other Reyes), but with a two-out, 2 RBI single to cut the score to 5-4, and then to tie the score at 8 in the ninth, player of the game has to be David Wright. And of course, let us gaze upon his bounteous beauty:

Let’s go Mets. Turn it up to 11.


OMG U GUYZ!!!!!1111one

March 10, 2008

LIKE GET A ROOM ‘N STUFF!

LOLZ!1!! LIKE TOTES BEST PALZ 4 EVA!!!!!111!!