long time no post

July 29, 2009

Did you guys know I’m a terrible blogger? Whoops now you know! It has been a while, and the following shit has happened:

a) everybody got hurt
b) you mean I have to cheer for that smirky French bastard now? Godspeed, Churchy.
c) who the fuck is Angel Berroa?
d) Daniel Murphy turned into a legit first baseman, too bad his bat can’t catch up to his defense (uhhhhh did you think we’d say that back in April?)
e) I would like to propose a television show called The Days of Our Mets or As The Mets Turn or something, is Susan Lucci available?

But hey, the Mets have won four in a row now, only 5.5 back in the Wild Card, sure ok. If Beltran and Reyes and Delgado come back before the season is over I will do five cartwheels in a row, you have my word.

The real reason for this post however is this:

Tuesday, during a Citi Field press conference, Mets players Daniel Murphy, Bobby Parnell, J.J. Putz, Omir Santos and Gary Sheffield unveiled The Players Choice Signature Series featuring jerseys, T-shirts and caps they designed exclusively for their fans, with each product expressing the personalities and attitudes of the individual players who designed them.

Oh FUN, let’s have a looksee at these fashions by athletes, because that is always a good idea!


Design By: John Maine
What It Expresses: I think I’m really edgy and cool but in reality I’m a huge fucking dork


Design By: Omir Santos
What It Expresses: You hit one game-winning homer off Jonathan Papelbon and it makes you think you’re Perkunas.


Design By: Bobby Parnell
What It Expresses: I have no imagination, how about an ax for no good reason? Cool.


Design By: Daniel Murphy
What It Expresses: I have no discernible personality, but I AM Irish, so…wooooo Dropkick Murphys pint o’Guinness Shane MacGowan potatoes!


Design By: Gary Sheffield
What It Expresses: I am probably on drugs, and now so are you.


Design By: J.J. Put
What It Expresses: I enjoy the oeuvre of Toby Keith.

And finally, Smear The Queer is proud to offer the limited edition design by David Wright:


let us enjoy daniel murphy

March 23, 2009


1. The Amanda Bynes/LOTR answers = HOLY FUCK, I forget how young he is.
2. What a cocky sonuvabitch.
3. He clearly comes from the Andre Bazin school of film criticism.
4. I need to make him a mixtape.

apropos of nothing

August 7, 2008

Time for a fashion critique!

Joe Smith: Nice color and design of t-shirt, although whatever that is (a ship?) is a bit, um, garish. And those jeans wouldn’t look out of place at, like, Union Pool or something. Lastly, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEFT ARM?@!?!?!?1

David Wright: Form-fitting t-shirts are always a plus, especially with a well-defined torso. The faux-retro faded letter bullshit is so frat boy, but I guess it’s a decent enough design with which to whore Nike. Your watch is ridiculous. And cargo shorts are a crime against humanity.

Carlos Muniz: What in the good name of fuck. That better be a psych-metal band, otherwise you have absolutely no excuse.

no, YOU be fit

June 10, 2008

So hands up, who else received the email regarding Willie Randolph’s appearance for BeFitNYC? My first immediate thought was, “Oh ho ho, I’m glad to see Willie is so concerned about New Yorkers’ well-being when THE METS WON’T EVEN SEND RYAN CHURCH TO THE DL AFTER HIS SECOND CONCUSSION.”

And then they finally did.

The BeFitNYC thing coincides with my rediscovered love of not being a fatass. This past Saturday morning as I was OMG SWEATING WAY TOO MUCH, I thought “Well, as long as I’m sweating I might as well do something productive.” So I went for a run. This was my first run in over a year, when I went to visit California and ended up running down the Santa Monica beach with my best friend just about every day. I came back to New York with the full intent of continuing. Then I realized that parts of my neighborhood are like Little Chechnya, and instead of a nice oxygen-filled sea breeze I was inhaling exhaust and garbage stench. So, not so fun. Also I was lazy. But considering the weekend was WTF SO HOT ALL OF A SUDDEN, I decided to start up again and maybe lose some weight and feel better about myself.

So, I was interested in seeing what BeFitNYC recommended for athletic things to do in my neighborhood. The following conversation then took place:

me: i wonder what neighborhood fit things exist in east williamsburg
something involving cocaine, i bet
Stan: haha
staying slim and being fit aren’t exactly the same
me: lol this shit just suggested i go play softball at the marcy playground
i smell sex and mugging

And now, just because, The Hipster Olympics:

these are the mets i love to watch

May 19, 2008

These are the Mets who hit with runners in scoring position.

These are the Mets whose starting pitchers go deep into games.

These are the Mets who knock out the opponents’ aces.

These are the Mets who throw out dominant bullpen performances.

These are the Mets who make opponents pay for their mistakes.

These are the Mets who make a drunken Will write lazy happy blog posts as this.

Now go kill Glavine.

pros & cons from this weekend

April 28, 2008

Because I’m lazy.

Pro: Buying a John Maine t-shirt.

Con: It kinda looks like ass.

Pro: Witnessing a hilarious third inning on Friday.

Con: Literally everything else about that game. It was easily the worst baseball game I have seen in person. Two hits? Two hits all game long?!

Pro: By now we’ve all seen the Joe Smith heckling Cubs fans video, yes? I think it’s awesome. He’s such an affable and mild-mannered guy (and grew up a Cubs fan to boot), so to see him get riled up is a nice change of pace from this Ho-hum snooze button of a team.

Con: People getting into a tizzy about it. C’mon, this is baseball. Also, the fact that no one except Adam Rubin bothered to ask about it. Says Smith, “I was defending the New York fans.” So can we stop being SHOCKED!!!!! about his “bad language”? Fucking Christ.

Con: Joe, you really sucked in that game, so maybe you should try to ignore that shit. Also: some New York fans really don’t deserve the defense.

Con: Case in point: Look, I know that game SUCKED OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY on Friday, but do you really need to boo? Really? God, Delgado wasn’t even in the game. Just an unpleasant experience all around: bad baseball, no fun, terrible atmosphere. It says something when people are more interested in the fights breaking out in the stands (which, groan) than what’s going on in the field (though considering Friday’s game, I guess I understand).

Pro: Carlos Delgado’s two home runs yesterday. There is no other Met that I’d like to see rebound.

Con: The hub-bub surrounding his non-curtain call. Can we not just focus on his two absolute beauts instead? Also, like I said: maybe these fans don’t deserve it. If I were Delgado, I would have given them two glorious middle fingers. Shows how much more mature he is than me.

Pro: Two of three from Atlanta. Thanks, Larry.