you mean you DON’T like balls flying in your face?

July 18, 2007

Not so tough now, huh Anastasia Rodionova? Who? Yeah, I dunno.

Some strange shit going on in Ohio lately. There’s this unfortunate piece of business, and now the off-the-radar Western & Southern Financial Group Women’s Open in Cincinnati (awful name) has experienced a bit of controversy as, in the midst of an apparently heated third round match, Rodionova was defaulted after hitting a ball in the direction of fans of her opponent, Angelique Kerber. You mean someone named Angelique Kerber has fans? You mean people were actually watching a match between the 73rd and 78th-ranked players in the world? Huh. I really hope this is some grand Cincinnati scheme to get the tournament some headlines after Serena Williams pulled out because she lost her thumb and calves at Wimbledon.

On the one hand, I find it deplorable behavior by a supposed professional athlete. On the other hand, I am quite amused. On the third hand (birth defect, shhh), I say: why not? Pretty badass move. Also: people named Anastasia tend to be jerks, so whatever.
As penance for Ms. Rodionova’s raging bitchitude, I propose the following possible solutions by the WTA (the $5,000 fine isn’t enough, though I bet that’s half of Rodionova’s yearly earnings right there):

  • Rodionova has to stand in the middle of a circle of Kerber fans equipped with a ball and racquet (must supply own).
  • Rodionova has to comb the lawns of Wimbledon in search of Serena Williams’ calves and thumb, then get beat the fuck up by Serena.
  • Rodionova must be locked in a room with nothing but the sound of Maria Sharapova’s screaming for 24 hours or until deafness sets in, whichever comes first.
  • Rodionova must be locked in a room with nothing but the sound of Dick Enberg calling her “delicious” for 24 hours or until her ovaries fall out, whichever comes first.
  • Rodionova must take lessons from John McEnroe on how to properly throw a tantrum without crying like a little bitch afterwards.

Incidentally, my favorite bit of wordplay in weeks.


poor mike pelfrey (eh, whatevs. maybe?)

June 29, 2007

No need for that, Pelf.

Well last night’s game between the Mets and Cards was rained out (did it really rain last night? I, uh, was very drunk very early and made some bad decisions, so fucking rain wasn’t even a concern, HELLO), which is always awfully disappointing, especially when you really want to see your team step it up to end a series. I mean, good God Mets. Hit a few balls here and there why don’tcha. Maybe going to Philly will wake you guys up.

If there are are some silver linings to last night’s apparent literal storm clouds, it’s that the Mets will have had some rest before they play today’s doubleheader (itself a makeup for one rained-out game earlier this season). Which means that last night’s starter, El Duque, will pitch the day game and John Maine will pitch the night game. Which also means that poor beleaguered no-luck Mike Pelfrey, who was supposed to be called up from the minors to start today’s game, will stay in New Orleans.

I really want to like Mike Pelfrey. I feel bad for the kid. He loses all five of his starts to begin the year, gets sent down, and has an opportunity to redeem himself only…no, sorry, thanks for playing, please stay where you are. Will the sun please shine on him at least once in his life?!?!?! Why does it always rain on him?!?!?!

This is not to say that I’m disappointed that he won’t be pitching. I definitely called him a “piece of shit” more than once this season. It was like Automatic Loss Time for every start, a deep burning pit of doom that would envelop me until I was belligerently screaming like I was Piniella Jr. In fact, as I behaved in that manner during what would be his final start, I got the following IM:

brent: it’s too bad pelfrey probably won’t make much money off this whole baseball thing, because he seems like he’d be a really good philanthropist

Which I chuckled at heartily, especially since it was coming from a dim 19 year old (sorry Brent! Nothing personal! I think you’re all dim!).

So maybe my current sympathy isn’t really called for. However. As I was moving a few weeks ago, I found a very old copy of the Daily News that I bought last year, and I remember looking at the pictures and recap of this game and thinking, “Hm, that new pitcher is cute.” When I found it, I realized it was Mike Fucking Pelfrey. I was perplexed. Really? I thought Mike Pelfrey was cute? The Mike Pelfrey that I have been calling a piece of shit? Hm. (To be fair he looked great in those pictures, but I can’t see any current resemblance…also, he actually won that game LOL I make joke)

But he’s a young kid, and obviously has some talent, just needs some control and also maybe to calm the fuck down and stuff. I will hope for his eventual (successful) return and will cease calling him a piece of shit. After all, I have Schoeneweis for that.