el profesor dice “no más”

February 21, 2008

According to Adam Rubin of the Daily News, Jose Reyes may not reprise his highly popular and completely hilarious “Profesor Reyes” skit at Shea this season.

Rubin reports the following:

Reyes has balked at filming another season. “I did it two years in a row already,” Reyes said. “But I’ll think about it. I haven’t said no yet.”

John Maine has been enlisted for a recurring “Maine Street USA” scoreboard skit that quizzes fans on U.S. cities.

That sounds impressively dull, though I imagine I’d laugh at just about anything regarding John Maine. This bit of news did lead Stan and I to brainstorm a few possible replacements for Profesor Reyes.

  • Joe Smith could teach a history lesson informing us of other notable Joseph Smiths, like the founder of Mormonism or the basketball player.
  • Inspired by this cute little story, Joe Smith and Mike Pelfrey could have some kind of Siskel and Ebert-esque foodie skit wherein they review Shea’s many concessions options. (My own personal critique? Bubba burgers: thumbs down; sausage and peppers: thumbs up!)
  • The Ramon Castro District, featuring Ramon Castro profiling various American enclaves that have been historical sites of diversity. I would looooooove to see a segment of Castro in the Castro during the Pride Parade. (Cue that Simpsons episode where they go to Cuba: “It’s full of WHAT?!”)
  • Scott Schoeneweis demonstrating the Heimlich Maneuver
  • Pedro Martinez’s Cockfighting Tips (this was not my idea; please send all complaints to stan(at)omgtoosoon(dot)com)
  • General health tips from David Wright, titled “Dr. Wright” or alternately “Wright Aid” (the latter option could also enable a possible partnership with Rite Aid, and Shea could put up yet another gaudy and hideous billboard up)
  • Moises Alou exhorting the Fountain of Youth-esque benefits of urine; alternately, videos of him engaging in water sports (the other kind)
  • In an effort to go green, Duaner Sanchez talks about alternate modes of transportation

In sad news, David Wright’s grandmother has passed away. My thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.


john maine is not only a stud but also secure in his masculinity

December 4, 2007

Hi there, long time no blog. There are many developments to have rejoiced over (I will be glad to never see that bastard Guillermo Mota pitch for my team ever again) as well as lament (see ya Lastings). And rather than talk about all the actual tangible baseball things every baseball nut I know has been hounding me about (I am sick to death of hearing the name Johan), I would like to talk about this.

As opposed to other places where this would create the opportunity for non-clever fag jokes, I would like to say that though I doubt the veracity of this story (um, Page Six? And why is it that I learned about this through straight dude sports guys? Let’s turn the mirror around, fellas), I wholeheartedly hope it is true. For one, I obviously would welcome an era in sports wherein our athletes could feel free to exhibit queerish tendencies, whether it be ridiculously homoerotic fashion shoots or enjoying the feel of fishnets or like, making out and giving each other boners and stuff. Word. I enjoy a transgression of gender roles and sexuality, especially coming from a landscape as notoriously rigid and macho as Sportsdom.

Secondly, I am pretty selfish and find the very idea of one of my favorite Mets (I’d say #3 behind Wright and Smith…do I just like bland white dudes? Let’s take a look at my dating history OH BURN) in a dress to be awesome and delicious. It makes me quite hot and bothered. Also, if this is true, why didn’t the stupid dame take a picture? DUH THAT’S WHY THEY PUT CAMERAS IN PHONES NOW IDIOT. You have a star athlete in a dress and you don’t do shit about documenting it? For shame, lady. Have you learned nothing from our invasive 21st century celebrity culture?!?!?!?!??!

Lastly: “I’m John Maine. I pitch for the Mets! I’m a hot piece of ass!” Yes honey. Yes you certainly damn are. And I want that on a T-shirt, please.


GOOD LUCK BUDDY

October 25, 2007

Yes yes, the Sahwx kicked the shit out of the untouchable Rockies last night. Ho-hum. There are more pressing matters! Like this!

In the parlance of our times: ZOMGLOLZ. That is some gloriously deluded, transparent, possibly desperate/certainly solicitous bullshit.

In the event it’s taken down:

FREE housing during WORLD SERIES Games (Wed-Sat) Men only

Men 18+ who are sober are welcome to stay the days and nights of the world series at my one small room apt.

Must share thi one room together
No drugs or drinking

send phone to contact you

Me: bi-male-student in music and law

How very accomodating! But only men, huh? That seems a little sexist, but I guess maybe he wants to just foster a good-natured sense of fraternity. Oh! But that little tiny inconsequential “bi-male” throw-in mention at the end of the post? Well. I wonder what he has in mind?

Also: no drugs or drinking? These are baseball fans during the World Series for Chrissake. Boozing is expected. And if they’re Sox fans? Fackin’ maandatahwry. Though he is in Boston, and what Sox fans are gonna need lodging unless they’re displaced natives? Maybe he’s hoping for some of that sweet sweet devout Rockies fan penis–I mean piety. Piety! There are certainly no shenanigans to be had in this fun-free zone of no drinking or drugs. And especially NOT sinful touching! Unless it involves sharing the tiny futon after reading some Leviticus 18:22, quelling the unsated vague feeling–some would say desire? No! It can’t be! You’re a MAN!–in the pit of your stomach while you and Bi-Male spoon and/or reluctantly, just to gauge the ambiance, surreptitiously touch hands or legs or feet under the sheets and lingering to see if he pulls away instantly or–hope of hopes!–lets his hand/leg/foot linger as well as you are wearing your Papelbon/Ortiz/Beckett jersey or perhaps Holliday/Matsui/Tulowitzki vest. Hey Bi-Male: alcohol generally helps these conversions. I mean…just sayin’. Not that I’d know or anything. Cough.

Or maybe he’s fishing for some perverts and is part of some reparative therapy group and is trying to fulfill a quota or something. Perhaps he’ll chain you to the radiator a la Ricci.

In any event: Godspeed, Bi-Male. You are certainly a more enterprising man than I.

[note to self: I wonder if this shit works.]

[note to Bi-Male: call me?]