a short message to cole hamels

December 12, 2008

Why don’t you shut the hell up and choke on my dick?

oh please

October 30, 2008

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies for riding a remarkably passable starting rotation and streaky offense and incredible douchitude all through the year and winning the World Series despite Monday’s Act of God and the Cinderella Rays who reached midnight and turned into a pumpkin. Hopefully this means you can FINALLY stop using Jose Reyes’s extended finger baserunning for motivation since, you know, YOU WON THE WORLD SERIES AND EVERYTHING.

So long as John McCain loses the election I’ll be able to almost kinda swallow this horrible horrible outcome.

le week-end

September 8, 2008

Prior to the storm of Hanna not the sportscaster lady, my weekend was shaping up to be pretty full and satisfying: Mets-Phillies Saturday afternoon game, women’s U.S. Open final on Saturday night, Mets-Phillies Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN (I was planning on heading to a bar). And then! RAIN ALL DAY ON SATURDAY OH MY GOD. So my perfect Queens-related sports obsessions were thrown all out of wack.

I managed to catch the first two games of the Mets-Phillies series, unhappily. All credit to Brett Myers (that hurts to type) and Jamie Moyer for pitching brilliant games, though I will continually be befuddled by the Mets’ (the previous one notwithstanding) inability to smack the crap out of Moyer’s slop. And my golly did Fernando Tatis play outfield like a little leaguer.

With the weather, the U.S. Open women’s final was pushed from Saturday night to Sunday night, meaning an athletic Sophie’s Choice between my beloved Mets and my tennis version of the Mets (i.e., Serena Williams). Considering the previous two listless losses to the Phillies, my general confidence in Santana vs. Hamels, and the fact that I haven’t seen Serena win a big title since January 2007, I decided to go with tennis and headed over to my pal Stan’s place to watch the final, during which he’d give me updates on the Mets-Phils score.

So then this stuff happened:


(Sidenote: Pfffft Hamels. You guys should’ve just let Kendrick pitch, he would’ve done a better job)

Serena battled Jelena Jankovic for nearly two hours before prevailing 6-4, 7-5 in a tense, dramatic rollercoaster of a match that saw both women playing for not only the U.S. Open title (Serena’s ninth Grand Slam, and what would have been Jankovic’s first) but also for the crown of #1 player in the world. Serena is once again top dog after five years, the longest such stretch in tennis history (besting Andre Agassi’s 3 years and 5 months).

Pretty good Sunday for me; pretty good weekend once the weather cleared up.


The perfect capper to all this would be the ability to go see Daniel Murphy sign some crap at the Last Licks in Scarsdale tonight. Why do they hold these things in places like Scarsdale or someplace out on Long Island? Why can’t they do this kind of stuff in Midtown or some other horrible crowded place in Manhattan? SIGH WHINE.

odds and ends

September 4, 2008

This team can be totally adorable sometimes. Especially after a three-game sweep over the vaunted Milwaukee Brewers (again…not convinced). This is a nice surprise after what I felt on Monday, as the LACKLUSTER NO HEART COMPLACENT PUSSY Mets charged into Milwaukee and I found out the GRITTY FULL OF HEART NEVER SAY DIE COCKSURE Phillies were playing the Nationals. “GREAT,” I groaned. “Enjoy your division lead, Philly.” Little did I know that prior to that series, the Nats had won six in a row! And that they’d win the series against Philly. The Mets are now up three games with an absolutely crucial three-game set this weekend against Philly at Shea.

I find it hilarious that the Phillies are so intent on skipping Kyle Kendrick’s start in favor of Cole Hamels on Sunday. It makes sense, surely, but I can’t even remember the last time Hamels actually scored a win over the Mets (I know he’s started games the Phillies won, but that was mainly the bullpen blowing leads, no?). The Mets seem to hit him well. So OOOOH I’M SO SCARED. Bring it. And then there’s this:

“I understood the situation. I think this is the time that really matters. I know [pitching every] five days is what I just did five days ago. That’s what I’ve been able to do all year, and that’s what I’ll do this time. The main guy, when it’s the playoffs or the division championship or the big division rivalry, that’s what I want to be. It’s time to step up to the plate, and I know that I’m ready for it.”

WOW, pitching on only four days’ rest? My, Cole Hamels, you are quite the studly man, with your puppy-dog eyes and Jennifer Aniston hair. Shut up.

In some “OMG the bullpen has been so good lately!” news, this blog’s Baseball Boyfriend #2 Joe Smith has currently seen himself usurped by the emergence of one Jesus Daniel Murphy (who may have also usurped BB#1 David Wright! oh no!), but looking at his data I was surprised and happy to see that he hasn’t allowed a run since August 11th, and since that time he’s only allowed three hits. That’s pretty studly. So Joe, I give you some well-deserved love. And keep it coming, because Daniel Murphy has decided he likes being my one true guy. Competition is good!


April 18, 2008

Good game by the Mets tonight, great offensive performance by David Wright, excellent start by Johan Santana, the offense tacked on some runs, we beat that punk bitch Cole Hamels, yada yada.

But seriously can Aaron Heilman stop pitching in close situations? To the Phillies? Good God, this shit is not funny anymore.

In the eighth, Santana gave up two consecutive singles and Heilman is brought up. Without even thinking I’m like “Oh NO.” And in no time at all, Heilman gives up a three-run homer. I wasn’t even surprised or even that mad. That shit was mad predictable. Just like, yeah. That’s what Heilman does. I mean, look at the guy:

If that is not a picture of a guy who can’t handle a taut game against your biggest rival, I don’t know what is.

But hey, we got the win, so I can’t complain too much.

this game was just

April 10, 2008

We needed this. We really needed this. After breaking the nine-game skid to the Phillies, the Mets really needed to step it up, to not lose in yet another heartbreaking fashion in extra innings (fucking deja vu this was, AGAIN, wasn’t it), to win the game and take the series. And take the series they did.

I am too exhausted to really talk at length about it, but gold stars to:

  • John Maine for a good, if not great, outing. He was much better tonight than he was in Atlanta, and seemed to really get going in the middle of the game; a shame he gave up a homer and double to start the seventh before getting pulled.
  • Pedro Feliciano, after issuing a walk, getting three consecutive strike outs to end the seventh
  • Ryan Church, who I am liking more and more, for his two-out, two-run single to get the Mets on the board in the 4th
  • Billy Wagner, looking absolutely dominant. Hopefully we can get this guy a save some day
  • Joe Smith for a solid tenth inning and, despite allowing two baserunners in the eleventh on some bad luck and shaky defense (that punk bitch Cole Hamels hit a sac bunt as a pinch hitter and Schneider couldn’t field it, GUH), barreling down to get Fave Phillie Eric “Error” Bruntlett, who couldn’t get the bunt down to save his life, setting up:
  • Scott Schoeneweis, who gets a tremendous double play to end the inning. As he entered the game I thought, “Well here goes this game.” I’m sure I’m not the only one who was feeling cynical (much of this was, well, historical, but also residual anger for the offense yet again not being able to plate runners in scoring position). Well thank you for proving me wrong, Show. I promise to not bitch about you for the next two weeks. And I hope you’ve earned some goodwill from the fans at Shea. I hope you can build on this and turn those boos into cheers.
  • Jorge Sosa, as efficient I’ve ever seen him, throwing exactly one pitch to get the win
  • Jose Reyes and Angel Pagan’s two-out, bottom of the twelfth heroics: Reyes double, and Pagan (who has by far been the most productive hitter so far…can we keep him at the #2 spot forever?) with a single up the middle to score a speeding Reyes; no other player would have scored on that hit

BIG FAT FUCKING TURD SANDWICH: Aaron Heilman. How many fucking runs are you going to give up in consecutive eight innings, Heilman? I was pretty high on you last week; way to waste all that goodwill quickly. I do not want to see you in the eighth inning of a close game in a very long time. Duaner can’t come back soon enough. Or failing that, a Smith/Feliciano platoon, as they are the only two relievers in this bullpen (aside from Wagner) who don’t make my heart thump irregularly in my chest.

For more Heilman vitriol (with an extra dollop reserved for Big Situation Automatic Strikeout Leader Carlos Beltran), see Coop.

oh you mean there’s a POSTseason?

October 4, 2007

First, a disclaimer: I never meant this to be a Mets-only blog (the few scattered posts about tennis and a Lou Piniella tribute points to that, barely). I didn’t really know how this blog would take shape when it started, but considering I lived and died with the Mets’ every game this season, I suppose it was only natural that the vast majority of the content would be about them. But their season is done. Is that supposed to mean that this blog is done until April? I would hope not. I still love the fuck out of baseball, even though it hurts that my team is out of it. I still love the feeling of October baseball. And there’s always rooting against the Phillies.


Rockies d. Phillies 4-2, lead series 1-0
I would like to think I helped the Rockies because, the night before at the Jeffrey Leonard Invitational, I named my team “Cole Hamels is a PUNK BITCH.” I’m sure the fact that the Rockies have won 15 of their last 16 games will be seen as only a minor footnote to the large-scale hexing of Cole Hamels given by me. You’re welcome, Colorado.

How crazy has Colorado been playing? And who would have thought that, in that bandbox called Citizens Bank Park, these two offensive juggernauts would experience a pitching duel? Quelle surprise! Jeff Francis’ only mistakes were back-to-back homeruns to Aaron Rowand and Pat Burrell, which cut the Rockies lead to 3-2. Otherwise, he was straight up dealing, and the top four in the Phillies lineup went a combined 0-for-15 with 9 Ks (siddown, Chutley).

As for Hamels, it all unraveled in the second inning as Todd Helton ripped a leadoff triple and was then sent home by a Garrett Atkins double. After Brad Hawpe struck out, Hamels walked Ryan Spilborghs, and Atkins came home on a bloop by Yorvit Torrealba. A Francis sac bunt moved the runners up, and Kaz Matsui (hey, look at that guy playing in the postseason!) walked to load the bases. Troy Tulowitzki drew another walk, plating Spilborghs. Matt Holliday justmissed a grand slam before striking out to end Hamels’ 40-pitch inning. Hamels blamed his undershirt. Hey Cole? Maybe when it’s a sunny afternoon game, you don’t wear long-sleeves? Just sayin’. Ya punk bitch. [Full disclosure: I am quite sure that if Cole Hamels were a Met, he’d give me a boner.]

Meanwhile, Holliday atoned for his missed grand slam with a solo shot in the eighth off of Tom Gordon. Matt Holliday, you are a big fucking pimp, even with your game-winning chin bruise on Monday. Also, best quote about Philly heckling:

“Yeah, I’ve heard a little about the chin. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s so visible. Or maybe it’s because I’m such a good-looking guy anyway.”


Red Sox d. Angels 4-0, lead series 1-0
One game and it already looks over for the Los Angeles, California Angels of Anaheim, Orange County. With Josh Beckett pitching like a madman, the Angels couldn’t wreak their particular small ball havoc. Big Papi and YOOUUUUUUUK homered. Ho-hum, wake us up when they’re facing the Yankees.

I have to admit that I feel complete ambivalence about this series. As soon as the Sox won it, I received a gloating call from one of their fans, telling me that Anaheim sucks (in the background was a mass–heh–of cawing and squawking Massholes. Shit sounded like a barn, for real). Seeing as I lived there once, yes I know. As a proud Southern Californian, I feel compelled to root for them. But bleh, really. I grew up a Dodgers fan, and the Angels were always just the baseball version of the Clippers to me. But then the Dodgers traded Piazza and became dead to me, inciting Mets fandom, and so my slight SoCal baseball allegiance shifted to the Angels. But still–bleh. I did of course root for them in 2002, but that was SoCal vs. NoCal, and fuck the Giants seriously.

Then there’s the matter of the Red Sox–and, more specifically, their fans. I admire and sometimes love the team. They’ve got an all-time lovable goofball dunderhead in Jonathan Papelbon, and Big Papi seems like the awesomest dude this side of Tom Waits. But the fans! I love all the dudes I know who are Red Sox fans. They are stand-up, funny, charming, hot pieces of ass. It’s all the ones I don’t know that give me pause. In some ways they are a perfect distillation of the town: when the Sahx are winning, there’s drunken hooting yahdoodery. When they’re not, it’s self-flagellating, histrionic Irish-or-Italian/Catholic suffering.

Still, I’m rooting for the Sox here, because anything else would be tantamount to treason to my Red Sox buddies as well as the season-ending MetSox Desperation Pact (hey, so glad it worked for at least one of those teams. Harumph). Also, I wouldn’t want to hear Whadayahfackinretahtid? on a daily basis.

Diamondbacks d. Cubs 3-1, lead series 1-0
Whew! Two of the best pitchers in the bigs going head-to-head, and the big story manages to be Lou Piniella pulling Carlos Zambrano in the sixth inning…right after the Cubs had tied the game! You drama queen. Lou, ayahfackinretahtid?!

Said Lou:

“I’ve got a good bullpen here, OK? And I trust my bullpen. I’m bringing back a pitcher on three days’ rest on Sunday, and I took a shot with my bullpen. It didn’t work today. They’ve done it all year. I’ve got confidence in them — period, end of story.”

Maybe I’m biased, considering I’m only aware of the Cubs bullpen through its collapses against the Mets *coughRyanWuertzcough* but it’s a puzzling move by Lou. I understand maybe wanting to have Zambrano have rest for a possible Game Four, but you could maybe not even worry about it if you win Game One! You’re really gonna trust Carlos Marmol with a tie game instead of Big Z? Okay. Here’s a leadoff tie-breaking homer for your faith.

Meanwhile, in Metsland, Omar Minaya has assured us that Willie Randolph will continue as manager next year. Willie celebrated by shaving off his stache:

Stan immediately commented:

I’m sure there are many Mets fans who are as scared about Willie still having a job as Harry Potter is about whatever-the-hell that-is or whatever-actually-happens to Harry Potter when whatever-the-hell-that-is shows up.

Meanwhile, Paul Lo Duca cleaned out his locker and showed us that he wears metrosexual Chelsea fag mandals.

Those are some sharp-looking jeans too, Paulie.