April 30, 2008

That’s the only possible excuse for this game. LOOK!!!!:

Let’s take a closer look:

Stay with me while I explain my theory:

WFAN has been airing those infernal Gloria Estefan ads during Mets games, and I decree that she has pressured WFAN into creating even more advertising for her upcoming shows at MGM Grand Theatre at Foxwoods, her only appearance in the tri-state area! Apparently!

What was the title of a certain top 5 Estefan (along with the Miami Sound Machine) song?

“1 2 3.”

So there you have it. Gloria Estefan is RUINING this team. She is a blustering she-devil prognosticator of bad games and worse music. This game was fixed! Worse than Paula Abdul and American Idol! Or something!

My prediction: once Estefan has finished her run at MGM Grand Theatre at Foxwoods and WFAN stops playing those awful awful commercials full of Latin flavor (no, ma’am, I refuse to get on my feet, no matter how many times you implore me to do so), this team will get back on track. When will that be?

Oh, fuck.

pros & cons from this weekend

April 28, 2008

Because I’m lazy.

Pro: Buying a John Maine t-shirt.

Con: It kinda looks like ass.

Pro: Witnessing a hilarious third inning on Friday.

Con: Literally everything else about that game. It was easily the worst baseball game I have seen in person. Two hits? Two hits all game long?!

Pro: By now we’ve all seen the Joe Smith heckling Cubs fans video, yes? I think it’s awesome. He’s such an affable and mild-mannered guy (and grew up a Cubs fan to boot), so to see him get riled up is a nice change of pace from this Ho-hum snooze button of a team.

Con: People getting into a tizzy about it. C’mon, this is baseball. Also, the fact that no one except Adam Rubin bothered to ask about it. Says Smith, “I was defending the New York fans.” So can we stop being SHOCKED!!!!! about his “bad language”? Fucking Christ.

Con: Joe, you really sucked in that game, so maybe you should try to ignore that shit. Also: some New York fans really don’t deserve the defense.

Con: Case in point: Look, I know that game SUCKED OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY on Friday, but do you really need to boo? Really? God, Delgado wasn’t even in the game. Just an unpleasant experience all around: bad baseball, no fun, terrible atmosphere. It says something when people are more interested in the fights breaking out in the stands (which, groan) than what’s going on in the field (though considering Friday’s game, I guess I understand).

Pro: Carlos Delgado’s two home runs yesterday. There is no other Met that I’d like to see rebound.

Con: The hub-bub surrounding his non-curtain call. Can we not just focus on his two absolute beauts instead? Also, like I said: maybe these fans don’t deserve it. If I were Delgado, I would have given them two glorious middle fingers. Shows how much more mature he is than me.

Pro: Two of three from Atlanta. Thanks, Larry.


April 25, 2008

While listening to the crapfest last night on WFAN, I was informed that Lastings Milledge was benched last night because he showed up to the stadium late. And that he had done this a few games prior as well.

Ahhhh Lastings! The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Eh, 2008 Mets?

I’ll be at Shea tonight for my second game of the season. At my first game, Mike Pelfrey pitched a splendid game against the hated division rival Phillies, so I can only hope that he’ll do the same against the hated division rival Braves. I’m even wearing the same outfit in hopes this will happen (I’m unsure about the underwear, however).

oh, hell.

April 24, 2008

/throws strikeout

: Nice job, Ollie. I’d give your performance a thumbs up, except it’s all infected!

/hits RBI single

: Still not as good as me.

/throws eleven balls in a row

: /takes out calculator, burps silver dollars, eats baby kitten

: /hits towering shot off the wall, waddles to first, is out of breath


: Hey!… Guys?…You gonna help me out here? I thought I was joining a winning team.

: Waaaaaiiiiiitttt…………………what did you say about me, Ollie?
/67 mph fastball for called third strike

: OMG you’re even slow to react to words?
/sighs, doubles, steals third, steals home

: Always nice to scratch out a run. That’s some good teamwork.

: What the–

: /hits batter in the head, throws wild pitch, walks five batters

: Welp, there’s another lousy start. Let’s get my guy in here.

: Oh, NO.
/gives up grand slam, pouts

: Hey! That’s my job!

: Oh don’t worry. You’ll get your chance.

: /skips under Delgado’s glove

: /rolls past Delgado

: See? Two runs just scored. Your ERA is still higher than Heilman’s.


: Can’t win ’em all.


: Did you say something, Churchie?
/dives for groundball, realizes he is asleep in bed
Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking!

[With all apologies to The Dugout.]

just a thought

April 24, 2008

Can Johan Santana play first base?



April 22, 2008

If you don’t laugh you’ll cry.

While watching the Mets get shat on via’s scoreboard, I saw the following as the Brewers and Cards went into the tenth inning:

“G Mota relieved E Gagne.”

So see you guys? It could be a lot worse!

Could it? *looks at Jorge Sosa* Ah. There it is.

Cubs fan Michael texted “Ruh roh” and then “Do i get extra prizes for slaughters?” before and after Sosa did whatever the hell he does. MY BROKEN HEART ISN’T ENOUGH?!?!!? Name your terms, Mike.

Oh, and a nice big fuck you to every Mets player who participated in these two games, Maine and Figgy grudgingly excepted.

oh blerg

April 21, 2008

Tonight I went to watch the Mets-Cubs game at Mullholland’s, the only sports bar I know of in Williamsburg (not to be all adverty, but what a nice space to watch a game; if I had an actual readership I’d set up a game-watching meetup here) and found myself surrounded by Cubs fans, of all things. Where is the turnout, Brooklyn Mets fans?! Oh, do you all have TVs unlike me?

You all saw or listened to or heard about the game, so I won’t get into specifics, except to say that before the start of this short two-game series, I made a bet with my Cubs fan pal Michael. The team whose bullpen gave up the most runs in this series would buy the other a fancy dinner, provided that one of us was in each other’s city at some point.

Suffice it to say, I was pretty confident in our bullpen (well, at least those members whose names are Duaner, Joe, and Billy) and was feeling better about it before I realized that Ryan Dempster–he of the roughly 38 ERA vs. the Mets last season–was now a starter.

WELL. Thanks to Aaron Heilman (with a nice little assist from Jorge Sosa), it seems that I’ve already lost this bet. Because even though I believe the Mets will take tomorrow’s game, I think the runs will be scored off of Ted Lilly rather than Michael Wuertz or Kerry Wood or whatever deadweight is currently in that pen.

So Mike, you better hope that I actually make it down to San Marcos when Emily moves there. Otherwise, you’ll have to make good on your two-years’ standing vow to come back to New York. And pick a place. Oh also: go eat a dick.