you mean you DON’T like balls flying in your face?

Not so tough now, huh Anastasia Rodionova? Who? Yeah, I dunno.

Some strange shit going on in Ohio lately. There’s this unfortunate piece of business, and now the off-the-radar Western & Southern Financial Group Women’s Open in Cincinnati (awful name) has experienced a bit of controversy as, in the midst of an apparently heated third round match, Rodionova was defaulted after hitting a ball in the direction of fans of her opponent, Angelique Kerber. You mean someone named Angelique Kerber has fans? You mean people were actually watching a match between the 73rd and 78th-ranked players in the world? Huh. I really hope this is some grand Cincinnati scheme to get the tournament some headlines after Serena Williams pulled out because she lost her thumb and calves at Wimbledon.

On the one hand, I find it deplorable behavior by a supposed professional athlete. On the other hand, I am quite amused. On the third hand (birth defect, shhh), I say: why not? Pretty badass move. Also: people named Anastasia tend to be jerks, so whatever.
As penance for Ms. Rodionova’s raging bitchitude, I propose the following possible solutions by the WTA (the $5,000 fine isn’t enough, though I bet that’s half of Rodionova’s yearly earnings right there):

  • Rodionova has to stand in the middle of a circle of Kerber fans equipped with a ball and racquet (must supply own).
  • Rodionova has to comb the lawns of Wimbledon in search of Serena Williams’ calves and thumb, then get beat the fuck up by Serena.
  • Rodionova must be locked in a room with nothing but the sound of Maria Sharapova’s screaming for 24 hours or until deafness sets in, whichever comes first.
  • Rodionova must be locked in a room with nothing but the sound of Dick Enberg calling her “delicious” for 24 hours or until her ovaries fall out, whichever comes first.
  • Rodionova must take lessons from John McEnroe on how to properly throw a tantrum without crying like a little bitch afterwards.

Incidentally, my favorite bit of wordplay in weeks.

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