when i think about sports anthems…

these people certainly spring to mind:

They would certainly make you want to hit a ball damn hard, yes?

I’m very late to this, but per Idolator, I don’t know what the fuck the Royals are thinking with these candidates to replace “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” during the seventh-inning stretch. The big obvious point of contention, first of all, is that “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” is unfuckwithable. What is the seventh-inning stretch without it? It’s un-American otherwise, and I won’t stand for it (I also will not stand for “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch…before the game, sure, but the stretch? That’s time for fun, not morose patriotism, and “God Bless America” is kind of a lousy song anyways, and I’m not the only one to think that either. If you want patriotism, why not “This Land Is Your Land”? I know it’s subversive, but no one really realizes it because we all stop at the chorus, like Reagan and “Born In The USA.” Wow what a long parenthetical).

Idolator makes the very good point that some of the songs are just godawful (“Cotton Eyed Joe”), some are inappropriate considering how bad the Royals are (“The Limbo,” “Ring of Fire,” “Shake Your Body (Down To The Ground)”), and some are just plain played-out (“Sweet Caroline,” though, uh, I have always loved this song, so call me crazy, but I don’t mind it). What they fail to point out is the fact that three of the choices–Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man,” Donna Summer’s “Last Dance,” and ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”–while being absolutely fantastic, are, um, a little ill-suited for a sporting event.

By which I mean: They are SO GAY.

I mean, my God, they just stink of sodomy + ID Glide. “Last Dance” for one, is a huge disco anthem (one of the best) and disco = gay. Also, the sentiment is perfectly in line with gay clubs in particular, that last dance as your last chance for romance, or at least your last chance to fuck someone that night and forget about romance until the next last dance (vicious circle, eh boys?). “Dancing Queen” is, well, kind of the same thing but more about the optimism of the beginning of the night rather than the ensuing desperation, but ABBA also thankfully includes “Queen” in the title. And then there’s “Son of a Preacher Man.” Stan and I had the following exchange:



Stan: i mean

then again

YMCA is done at like ALL sporting events

maybe they should go one gayer

and do “in the navy”

me: YMCA is technically a gay song, sure, but i think hetero middle america likes to have pleasant denial about that (“i like my homosexuals FA-LAAAAMING”) whereas “son of a preacher man” is inherently about getting it on with a dude


I wonder if I’m missing something; is someone in the KC Royals a son of a preacher man? That’s sort of the only way I could see this as a legitimate candidate. Otherwise, whoever chose these is a huge jokester and I salute them. If I were ever in KC watching a game, I would just die to see a bunch of dudes sing along to the following:

How well I remember!/The look that was in his eyes/Stealing kisses from me on the sly/Takin’ time to make time/Telling me he’s ALL MINE

Because that shit would just be hilarious.

(Also I refuse to talk about the Mets-Yanks series. Except to say how nice it was nice to be at the Turkey’s Nest on Friday, the bar divided equally, and see Ollie outpitch the Fatass and have Carlos Gomez save the game early with a huge catch. Delgado’s Golden Sombrero, on the other hand, was not so nice. Saturday and Sunday’s starting pitching debacles were too much considering I was already ill, and if Beltran needs to rest, then maybe he should rest and we can get a non-injured bat in the lineup. Uh, if only our lineup could hit. Guh.)

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