We begin with WFAN’s Craig Carton asking some standard spring training questions that actually did arise re: David Wright’s improved physique, to which Wright—as ever—woodenly responds as if he’s memorized from a pre-approved script, though this time that’s actually the case. He even gets his “uhhhhm” in! Very Method. With the phrase “situational training,” we get to the meat of the commercial: Rocky theme blaring as we see shots of Wright and “The Situation” (of MTV’s Jersey Shore fame, though I do not know his real name as I have not partook in this particular pop cultural phenomenon…is it Mike?) running, doing sit-ups, and various other standard athletic pursuits that quickly become absurd (Wright hitting The Situation’s abdomen with a baseball bat).

I was made aware of the ad’s existence during an interview with Wright on WFAN’s morning show with Carton and Boomer Esiason, wherein Carton promised that the ad would showcase “a side of David Wright you don’t get to see.” Clearly I hoped for an ass-shot or some semblance thereof, but obviously Carton meant something about Wright’s humor and goofiness. And certainly the commercial strives towards transcendent goof, what with the ridiculous presence of The Situation, and possibly could have reached it if not for one thing: David Wright yet again exhibits almost zero personality.

It’s a strange thing about Wright; for someone so young and talented, with a face holding immense charismatic potential, he always—at least when speaking—comes off as mildly dull and humorless. There is evidence that this isn’t the case; witness the great bubblegum-hat shenanigans of June 2007 (ah, a simpler, more innocent time). But generally, Wright does and says all the right things, and that’s why we, as a fanbase, love him. Not much of an actor though, which brings down what should have been a hilarious commercial—even if it had simply delved into some lazy homoerotic comedy, though there is a bit of gay panic in Wright’s eyes when The Situation is holding his leg, as well as in the stilted way they interact with each other, like gym buddies who haven’t yet seen each other in the showers—into something kind of embarrassing, especially when the end declares vitaminwater to be “comeback water.” Sheesh, from Coca-Cola’s money to the baseball gods’ ears.

Some good bits: their parallel slides, as well as Wright in a tanning booth. And the pairing does make some kind of perverse sense; with those eyebrows, hasn’t Wright always coded as a little bit guido? (In case you are tempted to say no, please recall the following photograph:

Homeboy looks like a white Bobby Cannavale up there.)

The ad would’ve been funnier if it had been played serious and straight; as it is, we all know it’s a joke and so the humor here already exists in quotes as opposed to being organic or surprising. To paraphrase Susan Sontag (who I’m sure is rolling around in her grave right about now), camp that knows it is camp is usually unsatisfying. See also: Lady Gaga.

The spot would’ve benefited from a better actor, surely. But hey, David Wright isn’t an actor. David Wright is a baseball player. A baseball player who will probably go down as the greatest one to ever play in a Met uniform. And that’s enough for me.

Other than him taking his shirt off for once, JEEZ.

For more (and better) thoughts on David Wright, please read this exceptional piece from Patrick Flood.

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We’re always so optimistic on Opening Day, aren’t we? I guess I should thank MLB scheduling for having a day between games 1 and 2 of the season, so that the euphoria of the Mets 7-1 victory over the Marlins could last a little bit longer before the early reality of this team set in.

*

And now, a new blog segment I’m calling And Now, Time For A Lack of Tact (with Jerry Manuel), courtesy of Surfing The Mets:

Jose Reyes is at Citi Field and expected to address reporters in about an hour. Jerry Manuel was just asked if Reyes would be in the lineup tomorrow.

“Yes, unless he gets hit by a car or something,” Manuel said.

Yeah, that’s actually pretty funny and everything, but good grief, is Duaner Sanchez driving him?

*

Okay, see you in four months or whatever!

Ho hum series tied WAIT WHAAAAAAAAT

Since about June or so I’ve forgotten how wonderful baseball can be. Amazing how that realization is easy to come by when you’re watching two good teams battling it out.

Despite my defection (you can’t spell it without “defect”) to the Mets, as a native Los Angeleno I am hoping for a Freeway Series. In which case I’ll be rooting for the Angels, because I haven’t forgiven the Dodgers that much.

Otherwise, let’s go Twins and Rockies.

ETA: I didn’t hear this, but apparently Vin Scully said, “Matt Holliday is the loneliest man in all of Los Angeles as 51000 echo to the sky.” I miss that man.

What an image…brb.

a) everybody got hurt
b) you mean I have to cheer for that smirky French bastard now? Godspeed, Churchy.
c) who the fuck is Angel Berroa?
d) Daniel Murphy turned into a legit first baseman, too bad his bat can’t catch up to his defense (uhhhhh did you think we’d say that back in April?)
e) I would like to propose a television show called The Days of Our Mets or As The Mets Turn or something, is Susan Lucci available?

But hey, the Mets have won four in a row now, only 5.5 back in the Wild Card, sure ok. If Beltran and Reyes and Delgado come back before the season is over I will do five cartwheels in a row, you have my word.

The real reason for this post however is this:

Tuesday, during a Citi Field press conference, Mets players Daniel Murphy, Bobby Parnell, J.J. Putz, Omir Santos and Gary Sheffield unveiled The Players Choice Signature Series featuring jerseys, T-shirts and caps they designed exclusively for their fans, with each product expressing the personalities and attitudes of the individual players who designed them.

Oh FUN, let’s have a looksee at these fashions by athletes, because that is always a good idea!

Design By: John Maine
What It Expresses: I think I’m really edgy and cool but in reality I’m a huge fucking dork

Design By: Omir Santos
What It Expresses: You hit one game-winning homer off Jonathan Papelbon and it makes you think you’re Perkunas.

Design By: Bobby Parnell
What It Expresses: I have no imagination, how about an ax for no good reason? Cool.

Design By: Daniel Murphy
What It Expresses: I have no discernible personality, but I AM Irish, so…wooooo Dropkick Murphys pint o’Guinness Shane MacGowan potatoes!

Design By: Gary Sheffield
What It Expresses: I am probably on drugs, and now so are you.

Design By: J.J. Put
What It Expresses: I enjoy the oeuvre of Toby Keith.

And finally, Smear The Queer is proud to offer the limited edition design by David Wright:

Speaking of the bullpen, I’ve delayed making this proclamation because I wasn’t sure if it would take, but: Bobby Parnell, I love you. You fill the naive-country-boy-in-the-bullpen void that was created when Joe Smith was traded. Except with less personality, but who cares when he’s shown remarkable poise and great velocity and movement on his pitches. Walking the leadoff man in the seventh inning was not so good, but he came back to get the very next batter to hit into a double play. Very Joe Smith-like. I think his performances out of the pen have gone unnoticed because of JJ Putz and Frankie Rodriguez, but I would even put him above Putz as far as pitchers I feel comfortable seeing coming out of the bullpen. He has quietly been a dependable workhorse, and I think is by far our best bridge to the Putz-Rodriguez closeout.

Back-to-back two run homers by Carlos Beltran and David Wright (Beltran included another two-run shot an inning later) were pretty nice too, especially considering I thought Javier Vasquez was about to throw a no-hitter. A nice birthday present, even if it was a day late. I’ll take it.

Hey, how’s the back? You know, you shouldn’t try to rush things. Just make sure you have plenty of rest. Oh, and don’t you have a new baby? I’m sure you want to spend a lot of time with him, and help out your wife with feedings and changings. I mean, your wife has a kid and then you jaunt all over the country playing baseball?! Ludicrous! Little Kalin (uh, nice name) will benefit from having both mom and dad around.

Oh, and can you tell Ramon that it’s been nice knowing him?

xoxox,

Stan: Is Oliver Perez’s weight symbolic of his attitude after signing a fat three-year, $36 million contract? Will John Maine be the pitcher we remember from before his shoulder injury last year? Is this the year Mike Pelfrey matures?
STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS JULIA STILES
me: where is this
Stan: the damn wall street journal
me: lol
Stan: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123992851955927591.html
Julia Stiles is an actress and a Mets fan living in New York. She blogs at www.juliastilesblog.com
me: oh good
Stan: she’ll be like your alyssa milano
me: SHE IS NOT HAVING SEX WITH BOBBY PARNELL ON MY WATCH
Stan: i don’t think bobby parnell is her stile

And I got to experience my first home run by a Met in Citi Field as well, when Carlos Delgado went yard. I say “experience” and not “see,” because it was at this exact moment some Eurotrash young’uns decided they needed to leave the ballpark, blocking our view. Coop and I were able to laugh it off by being xenophobic and making jokes at their expense in some kind of Slavic accent. “Vy do zey call eet a humron? Vat eef I vanto valk hum?” You had to be there, I guess. Always a good un-PC time with the Coop.

It’s gonna take some time before this place feels like home. It’s lovely and sometimes breathtaking, but it feels so sterile and pristine that it almost makes me feel bad for being drunk and vulgar, like I’m yelling in a museum. I imagine it’s going to take a few dozen games before I know where everything is, but at least I know that Shake Shack (line was too long, boo) and Box Frites (yum!) are right next to each other.

The view from Coop’s seats in the Promenade. I don’t remember ever feeling so ON TOP of the field at Shea; here it felt like almost a completely vertical downward view whereas Shea’s views seemed a bit more expansive and theatrical. I kept feeling like I was missing some of the action, and constantly had to reorient where the scoreboards were. I don’t think I will master this until I’ve been here a few times.

I bought a Daniel Murphy shirt in medium because that was the smallest size they had THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS, which prompted a new meme (see: MARLON I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!, haha THAT’S a little out of date now, eh?) whenever he came up to bat: “C’mon Murph! I’m wearing your shirt!”

Takin’ care of business. How I’ve missed hearing that (you know what I didn’t miss though? SWEET FUCKING CAROLINE, which everyone booed, with good reason).