why gay men should be more involved in sports (even if it’s only in advertising), or: notes on failed camp

Let us take a close look at the following monstrosity, shall we?

We begin with WFAN’s Craig Carton asking some standard spring training questions that actually did arise re: David Wright’s improved physique, to which Wright—as ever—woodenly responds as if he’s memorized from a pre-approved script, though this time that’s actually the case. He even gets his “uhhhhm” in! Very Method. With the phrase “situational training,” we get to the meat of the commercial: Rocky theme blaring as we see shots of Wright and “The Situation” (of MTV’s Jersey Shore fame, though I do not know his real name as I have not partook in this particular pop cultural phenomenon…is it Mike?) running, doing sit-ups, and various other standard athletic pursuits that quickly become absurd (Wright hitting The Situation’s abdomen with a baseball bat).

I was made aware of the ad’s existence during an interview with Wright on WFAN’s morning show with Carton and Boomer Esiason, wherein Carton promised that the ad would showcase “a side of David Wright you don’t get to see.” Clearly I hoped for an ass-shot or some semblance thereof, but obviously Carton meant something about Wright’s humor and goofiness. And certainly the commercial strives towards transcendent goof, what with the ridiculous presence of The Situation, and possibly could have reached it if not for one thing: David Wright yet again exhibits almost zero personality.

It’s a strange thing about Wright; for someone so young and talented, with a face holding immense charismatic potential, he always—at least when speaking—comes off as mildly dull and humorless. There is evidence that this isn’t the case; witness the great bubblegum-hat shenanigans of June 2007 (ah, a simpler, more innocent time). But generally, Wright does and says all the right things, and that’s why we, as a fanbase, love him. Not much of an actor though, which brings down what should have been a hilarious commercial—even if it had simply delved into some lazy homoerotic comedy, though there is a bit of gay panic in Wright’s eyes when The Situation is holding his leg, as well as in the stilted way they interact with each other, like gym buddies who haven’t yet seen each other in the showers—into something kind of embarrassing, especially when the end declares vitaminwater to be “comeback water.” Sheesh, from Coca-Cola’s money to the baseball gods’ ears.

Some good bits: their parallel slides, as well as Wright in a tanning booth. And the pairing does make some kind of perverse sense; with those eyebrows, hasn’t Wright always coded as a little bit guido? (In case you are tempted to say no, please recall the following photograph:

Homeboy looks like a white Bobby Cannavale up there.)

The ad would’ve been funnier if it had been played serious and straight; as it is, we all know it’s a joke and so the humor here already exists in quotes as opposed to being organic or surprising. To paraphrase Susan Sontag (who I’m sure is rolling around in her grave right about now), camp that knows it is camp is usually unsatisfying. See also: Lady Gaga.

The spot would’ve benefited from a better actor, surely. But hey, David Wright isn’t an actor. David Wright is a baseball player. A baseball player who will probably go down as the greatest one to ever play in a Met uniform. And that’s enough for me.

Other than him taking his shirt off for once, JEEZ.

For more (and better) thoughts on David Wright, please read this exceptional piece from Patrick Flood.

*

We’re always so optimistic on Opening Day, aren’t we? I guess I should thank MLB scheduling for having a day between games 1 and 2 of the season, so that the euphoria of the Mets 7-1 victory over the Marlins could last a little bit longer before the early reality of this team set in.

*

And now, a new blog segment I’m calling And Now, Time For A Lack of Tact (with Jerry Manuel), courtesy of Surfing The Mets:

Jose Reyes is at Citi Field and expected to address reporters in about an hour. Jerry Manuel was just asked if Reyes would be in the lineup tomorrow.

“Yes, unless he gets hit by a car or something,” Manuel said.

Yeah, that’s actually pretty funny and everything, but good grief, is Duaner Sanchez driving him?

*

Okay, see you in four months or whatever!

just because

Earlier today the boy I’m seeing or whatever was comparing my love of the Mets to his love of America’s Next Top Model, of all things, a show I maybe have seen 10 minutes of total. I said that it didn’t seem the same considering he has contempt for the show’s participants. He emailed the following in response:

I don’t hate all of them. There are heroes and there are villains on every season, like every reality show, and the villains tend to be high-camp witches (Yankees), and the heroes tend to be unsophisticated but bright and likable (Cubs?), and the fun comes from putting vaguely ditzy girls in high-pressure situations (infield fly rule). There is fundamental injustice in Tyra Banks’ judging every week (bad ump), and it used to be that Janice Dickinson would say something hilarious and cruel at least three times a week (Marv Albert). She’s not on the show anymore.

Which is pretty good considering he knows nothing about baseball. I suppose the better analogies here would be “Eric Gagne” instead of “infield fly rule,” and since Marv Albert doesn’t do baseball, perhaps Joe Buck or Tim McCarver?

apropos of nothing

Time for a fashion critique!

Joe Smith: Nice color and design of t-shirt, although whatever that is (a ship?) is a bit, um, garish. And those jeans wouldn’t look out of place at, like, Union Pool or something. Lastly, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEFT ARM?@!?!?!?1

David Wright: Form-fitting t-shirts are always a plus, especially with a well-defined torso. The faux-retro faded letter bullshit is so frat boy, but I guess it’s a decent enough design with which to whore Nike. Your watch is ridiculous. And cargo shorts are a crime against humanity.

Carlos Muniz: What in the good name of fuck. That better be a psych-metal band, otherwise you have absolutely no excuse.

wait. seriously?

This isn’t a joke?

OH MY GOD. It’s like “Meet The Mets” getting fucked by Billy Joel on a bed of synthesizers.

…

I’ve listened to it like a dozen times already, at least. My favorite part is “We’ll go nuts for every curly W.” I kind of like that line, in the “it makes me think of pubes” kind of way.

On the Kinsey scale from Paul Newman to Liberace, I give this a Rufus Wainwright.

Hat tip to Why I Hate DC, and an excellent lyrical parsing is here.

OMG U GUYZ!!!!!1111one

LIKE GET A ROOM ‘N STUFF!

LOLZ!1!! LIKE TOTES BEST PALZ 4 EVA!!!!!111!!