bizarro mets play, win bizarro game

On a night when Johan Santana didn’t perform up to his capabilities (though, truth be told, even mediocre Santana is boneriffic), giving up two leads–including a game-tying homer to…pinch-hitting Ryan Langerhans?!–the offense miraculously plated the go-ahead run by…getting hit in the head? How poetic. With the bases loaded, Jerry Manuel made the genius move of pinch-hitting Castro for Daniel Murphy aka Jesus and…he struck out? WHAT! Jesus Murphy was supposed to hit an eight-run homer! Desperate for more runs–because, as Howie Rose put it last night, “With this bullpen, a one-run lead is as skinny as you can get”–Santana is pulled for…Brian Schneider?! Who strikes out. Which isn’t bizarre so much as comically tragically predictable. But with a 4-3 lead, Santana was in the position of winning the game. We’ve heard that one before.

And then the bullpen…didn’t blow it?

Not sure if it was the bullpen meeting before the game–led by Scott Schoeneweis, of all people–or Jerry’s ludicrous notion that Maine or Perez would be moved to the pen, or if it’s just that the Nationals are terrible, but somehow Joe Smith and Pedro Feliciano (not, I repeat NOT Eddie Kunz, despite Manuel’s blather about how Kunz would get the first closing opportunity…WTF I say, but considering Feliciano got it done I’m not about to argue…too much. Maybe a little, as a matter of principle, of sticking to your word and all that) managed to…throw strikes? And get batters out?

Bizarre. But I’ll take it.

In other bizarre news, Boston scored TEN FUCKING RUNS in the first inning and STILL needed to rally against Texas to win 19-17. I wonder if Massholes got drunk last night (ex-boyfriend’s text last night “OMG WTF IS HAPPPENIG” confirms suspicions).

nine in a row

Why does there have to be an All Star break? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weekend recap: I didn’t get to see Friday’s seeming nailbiter of a game as I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday with Korean BBQ and then–seeing as we were in Koreatown–karaoke. I paid $12 for a Jameson neat. Are you kidding me with that bullshit, I thought, and then realized that I needed the Jameson in order to sing, like, “Summer of ’69″ and whatever assorted crap we all did (I did manage a lovely duet w/ Beth of my favorite ever song “Be My Baby,” so go me). I checked my phone for scores off and on throughout the night, and when I saw a 2-1 victory, I praised yet another solid Ollie Perez performance and the Mets’ continued winning streak.

Thanks to the generosity of Bill W, one of my four readers, I attended the game on Saturday. I remarked to Bill at some point during the game–as cheers were showered on every player, rhythmic two-strike claps filling the stadium, people getting out of their damn seats without having to be coerced–how the atmosphere at Shea has changed so much since the last time I was there, not even a month ago. A month ago, you had jeers and groans and the bullpen coughing up runs and the offense leaving men on base and a fanbase seemingly bored and compelled to accept mediocrity. Three weeks later the tension has lifted, the players look crisp, balls are finding gaps with men on base and two outs, scrubs like Tatis and Easley and Chavez and Argenis Reyes and Nick Evans are making stellar plays and driving in the big boys, the big boys are hitting like they’re supposed to, and by God, the pitching has been lights-out. Times like these, the cheers flow easily.

As for Sunday, the late starting time worked out pretty perfectly for me: Along with a whole mess of other hipster fools, I went to McCarren Park Pool for the free Breeders show and stood in line for about an hour and half just waiting to get in. I finally get in and stand in a beer line for about fifteen minutes. I get my beer and just as I take a sip, the Breeders start their set. I ended up seeing my ex-something Anderson, along with a bunch of his Masshole friends, four guys and two girls. So I ended up hanging out with dudes with the following names: Andy, Marky, Mikey, Johnny, and Sully (I don’t know his real name, and holy hell is that a joke or what). It was like NKOTB 2 or something. At one point, Marky left and returned holding three beers. “Thanks,” I said, reaching for one. “No, these are all mine,” he bellows in that horrific accent I love so much. Show’s over and I head home, just in time to hear the Mets begin play. Roommate comes home, we drink more beer and listen to the game together as we talk about girls (well, he talked about girls at least) while I intermittently raised my hands in triumph thanks to a home run or double play or strikeout.

And what’s there to say about Mike fucking Pelfrey? His confidence and dominance is a sight to behold. If I ever get me a Paypal account, I’m buying one of them shirts.

WHAT THE SHIT

Please for you to click on this link.

Great quote by Terry Francona re: the pride of Woodland, CA:

“I haven’t had a heart attack, I think I’ve come close,” Francona said. “My chest hurt I was laughing so hard. I got a headache I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. I mean, you can write that. Pedroia is a moron. He looked a puppet on a string.”

Also: WTF IS THAT SHIRT PAPS.

God bless the Sox.

congrats, sox

In honor of the Red Sox sweeping the Rockies, I present you with limited photographic evidence of a Halloween party this weekend where my costume was “Masshole” (aided by a shirt from one Masshole and a Sox hat from another). It, coupled with the accent, was apparently so authentic that I had dudes convinced I was Boston all night (in spite of my non-whiteness!), all of whom kept talking to me about the Sox and would come up to ask the score at various points in the night.

Behold some frightening images:

I think I was pretending to be Pedroia.

Oh, also:

The sad thing is that these photos were taken early in the night, and I progressively started to look even worse/drunker. I really dove headfirst into this characterization. YES, THAT MUST BE IT.

GOOD LUCK BUDDY

Yes yes, the Sahwx kicked the shit out of the untouchable Rockies last night. Ho-hum. There are more pressing matters! Like this!

In the parlance of our times: ZOMGLOLZ. That is some gloriously deluded, transparent, possibly desperate/certainly solicitous bullshit.

In the event it’s taken down:

FREE housing during WORLD SERIES Games (Wed-Sat) Men only

Men 18+ who are sober are welcome to stay the days and nights of the world series at my one small room apt.

Must share thi one room together
No drugs or drinking

send phone to contact you

Me: bi-male-student in music and law

How very accomodating! But only men, huh? That seems a little sexist, but I guess maybe he wants to just foster a good-natured sense of fraternity. Oh! But that little tiny inconsequential “bi-male” throw-in mention at the end of the post? Well. I wonder what he has in mind?

Also: no drugs or drinking? These are baseball fans during the World Series for Chrissake. Boozing is expected. And if they’re Sox fans? Fackin’ maandatahwry. Though he is in Boston, and what Sox fans are gonna need lodging unless they’re displaced natives? Maybe he’s hoping for some of that sweet sweet devout Rockies fan penis–I mean piety. Piety! There are certainly no shenanigans to be had in this fun-free zone of no drinking or drugs. And especially NOT sinful touching! Unless it involves sharing the tiny futon after reading some Leviticus 18:22, quelling the unsated vague feeling–some would say desire? No! It can’t be! You’re a MAN!–in the pit of your stomach while you and Bi-Male spoon and/or reluctantly, just to gauge the ambiance, surreptitiously touch hands or legs or feet under the sheets and lingering to see if he pulls away instantly or–hope of hopes!–lets his hand/leg/foot linger as well as you are wearing your Papelbon/Ortiz/Beckett jersey or perhaps Holliday/Matsui/Tulowitzki vest. Hey Bi-Male: alcohol generally helps these conversions. I mean…just sayin’. Not that I’d know or anything. Cough.

Or maybe he’s fishing for some perverts and is part of some reparative therapy group and is trying to fulfill a quota or something. Perhaps he’ll chain you to the radiator a la Ricci.

In any event: Godspeed, Bi-Male. You are certainly a more enterprising man than I.

[note to self: I wonder if this shit works.]

…

[note to Bi-Male: call me?]