this is getting old

And so am I, as I celebrated my birthday over the weekend–the Mets lost, but they bookended it with two wins in Arizona, so I felt like that was good enough. What isn’t good enough, however, is how they have been playing in Los Angeles. Now, my plan this year was to be in L.A. this week so that I could see the Mets play at Chavez Ravine, where I have not been since I was 14. Due to monetary issues that didn’t happen, but I guess there’s a silver lining here because it means that I’ve been spared witnessing the debacles of the last two nights.

So, Oliver Perez may be looking for a five-year, $60 million contract? Excuse me while I LOfuckingL. Hey Ollie, maybe you could work on making it out of the sixth once in a while first? Sad thing is, he’ll probably get it.

Of all the unbelievable things about last night, I’m not sure which one is the most mind-boggling:

• Moises Alou stealing home. Really? WHAT?!?!? Yes.
• The Mets having bases loaded with no outs in the second and not scoring another run. On second thought, this one is all too believable. Especially considering Ryan Church hit into a 1-2-3 double play. “1 2 3.” Estefan strikes again!!!!!!
• Yet another bafflingly dominant performance by Hong-Chi Kuo. This one reeks of déjà vu. But hey, at least he didn’t homer this time.

So the best we can hope for is a .500 performance on this road trip that started so well. Sorry to say, but that seems like the MO of the 2008 Mets.

IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

That’s the only possible excuse for this game. LOOK!!!!:

Let’s take a closer look:

Stay with me while I explain my theory:

WFAN has been airing those infernal Gloria Estefan ads during Mets games, and I decree that she has pressured WFAN into creating even more advertising for her upcoming shows at MGM Grand Theatre at Foxwoods, her only appearance in the tri-state area! Apparently!

What was the title of a certain top 5 Estefan (along with the Miami Sound Machine) song?

“1 2 3.”

…

So there you have it. Gloria Estefan is RUINING this team. She is a blustering she-devil prognosticator of bad games and worse music. This game was fixed! Worse than Paula Abdul and American Idol! Or something!

My prediction: once Estefan has finished her run at MGM Grand Theatre at Foxwoods and WFAN stops playing those awful awful commercials full of Latin flavor (no, ma’am, I refuse to get on my feet, no matter how many times you implore me to do so), this team will get back on track. When will that be?

Oh, fuck.

oh, hell.

: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
/throws strikeout

: Nice job, Ollie. I’d give your performance a thumbs up, except it’s all infected!

: EWWWWWWWWW GROSS! LA LA LA LA LA LA
/hits RBI single
LOOKIT I’M BETTER THAN DELGADO!!

: Still not as good as me.

: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH :’(
/throws eleven balls in a row

: /takes out calculator, burps silver dollars, eats baby kitten

: /hits towering shot off the wall, waddles to first, is out of breath

: NOW WAIT A GODDAMNED SECOND

: Hey!… Guys?…You gonna help me out here? I thought I was joining a winning team.

: Waaaaaiiiiiitttt…………………what did you say about me, Ollie?
/67 mph fastball for called third strike

: OMG you’re even slow to react to words?
/sighs, doubles, steals third, steals home

: Always nice to scratch out a run. That’s some good teamwork.

: What the–

: /hits batter in the head, throws wild pitch, walks five batters

: Welp, there’s another lousy start. Let’s get my guy in here.

: Oh, NO.
/gives up grand slam, pouts

: Hey! That’s my job!

: Oh don’t worry. You’ll get your chance.

: /skips under Delgado’s glove

: /rolls past Delgado

: See? Two runs just scored. Your ERA is still higher than Heilman’s.

: BUT I WANTED IT TO GO OUT OF THE STADIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: Can’t win ‘em all.

: I’LL SAY!

: Did you say something, Churchie?
/dives for groundball, realizes he is asleep in bed
Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking!

[With all apologies to The Dugout.]