IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

That’s the only possible excuse for this game. LOOK!!!!:

Let’s take a closer look:

Stay with me while I explain my theory:

WFAN has been airing those infernal Gloria Estefan ads during Mets games, and I decree that she has pressured WFAN into creating even more advertising for her upcoming shows at MGM Grand Theatre at Foxwoods, her only appearance in the tri-state area! Apparently!

What was the title of a certain top 5 Estefan (along with the Miami Sound Machine) song?

“1 2 3.”

…

So there you have it. Gloria Estefan is RUINING this team. She is a blustering she-devil prognosticator of bad games and worse music. This game was fixed! Worse than Paula Abdul and American Idol! Or something!

My prediction: once Estefan has finished her run at MGM Grand Theatre at Foxwoods and WFAN stops playing those awful awful commercials full of Latin flavor (no, ma’am, I refuse to get on my feet, no matter how many times you implore me to do so), this team will get back on track. When will that be?

Oh, fuck.

pros & cons from this weekend

Because I’m lazy.

Pro: Buying a John Maine t-shirt.

Con: It kinda looks like ass.

Pro: Witnessing a hilarious third inning on Friday.

Con: Literally everything else about that game. It was easily the worst baseball game I have seen in person. Two hits? Two hits all game long?!

Pro: By now we’ve all seen the Joe Smith heckling Cubs fans video, yes? I think it’s awesome. He’s such an affable and mild-mannered guy (and grew up a Cubs fan to boot), so to see him get riled up is a nice change of pace from this Ho-hum snooze button of a team.

Con: People getting into a tizzy about it. C’mon, this is baseball. Also, the fact that no one except Adam Rubin bothered to ask about it. Says Smith, “I was defending the New York fans.” So can we stop being SHOCKED!!!!! about his “bad language”? Fucking Christ.

Con: Joe, you really sucked in that game, so maybe you should try to ignore that shit. Also: some New York fans really don’t deserve the defense.

Con: Case in point: Look, I know that game SUCKED OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY on Friday, but do you really need to boo? Really? God, Delgado wasn’t even in the game. Just an unpleasant experience all around: bad baseball, no fun, terrible atmosphere. It says something when people are more interested in the fights breaking out in the stands (which, groan) than what’s going on in the field (though considering Friday’s game, I guess I understand).

Pro: Carlos Delgado’s two home runs yesterday. There is no other Met that I’d like to see rebound.

Con: The hub-bub surrounding his non-curtain call. Can we not just focus on his two absolute beauts instead? Also, like I said: maybe these fans don’t deserve it. If I were Delgado, I would have given them two glorious middle fingers. Shows how much more mature he is than me.

Pro: Two of three from Atlanta. Thanks, Larry.

memories

While listening to the crapfest last night on WFAN, I was informed that Lastings Milledge was benched last night because he showed up to the stadium late. And that he had done this a few games prior as well.

Ahhhh Lastings! The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Eh, 2008 Mets?

I’ll be at Shea tonight for my second game of the season. At my first game, Mike Pelfrey pitched a splendid game against the hated division rival Phillies, so I can only hope that he’ll do the same against the hated division rival Braves. I’m even wearing the same outfit in hopes this will happen (I’m unsure about the underwear, however).

oh, hell.

: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
/throws strikeout

: Nice job, Ollie. I’d give your performance a thumbs up, except it’s all infected!

: EWWWWWWWWW GROSS! LA LA LA LA LA LA
/hits RBI single
LOOKIT I’M BETTER THAN DELGADO!!

: Still not as good as me.

: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH :’(
/throws eleven balls in a row

: /takes out calculator, burps silver dollars, eats baby kitten

: /hits towering shot off the wall, waddles to first, is out of breath

: NOW WAIT A GODDAMNED SECOND

: Hey!… Guys?…You gonna help me out here? I thought I was joining a winning team.

: Waaaaaiiiiiitttt…………………what did you say about me, Ollie?
/67 mph fastball for called third strike

: OMG you’re even slow to react to words?
/sighs, doubles, steals third, steals home

: Always nice to scratch out a run. That’s some good teamwork.

: What the–

: /hits batter in the head, throws wild pitch, walks five batters

: Welp, there’s another lousy start. Let’s get my guy in here.

: Oh, NO.
/gives up grand slam, pouts

: Hey! That’s my job!

: Oh don’t worry. You’ll get your chance.

: /skips under Delgado’s glove

: /rolls past Delgado

: See? Two runs just scored. Your ERA is still higher than Heilman’s.

: BUT I WANTED IT TO GO OUT OF THE STADIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: Can’t win ‘em all.

: I’LL SAY!

: Did you say something, Churchie?
/dives for groundball, realizes he is asleep in bed
Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking!

[With all apologies to The Dugout.]

just a thought

Can Johan Santana play first base?

*TWO DOUBLES LAST NIGHT OMG JOHAN I KISS YOU*