congrats, sox

In honor of the Red Sox sweeping the Rockies, I present you with limited photographic evidence of a Halloween party this weekend where my costume was “Masshole” (aided by a shirt from one Masshole and a Sox hat from another). It, coupled with the accent, was apparently so authentic that I had dudes convinced I was Boston all night (in spite of my non-whiteness!), all of whom kept talking to me about the Sox and would come up to ask the score at various points in the night.

Behold some frightening images:

I think I was pretending to be Pedroia.

Oh, also:

The sad thing is that these photos were taken early in the night, and I progressively started to look even worse/drunker. I really dove headfirst into this characterization. YES, THAT MUST BE IT.

GOOD LUCK BUDDY

Yes yes, the Sahwx kicked the shit out of the untouchable Rockies last night. Ho-hum. There are more pressing matters! Like this!

In the parlance of our times: ZOMGLOLZ. That is some gloriously deluded, transparent, possibly desperate/certainly solicitous bullshit.

In the event it’s taken down:

FREE housing during WORLD SERIES Games (Wed-Sat) Men only

Men 18+ who are sober are welcome to stay the days and nights of the world series at my one small room apt.

Must share thi one room together
No drugs or drinking

send phone to contact you

Me: bi-male-student in music and law

How very accomodating! But only men, huh? That seems a little sexist, but I guess maybe he wants to just foster a good-natured sense of fraternity. Oh! But that little tiny inconsequential “bi-male” throw-in mention at the end of the post? Well. I wonder what he has in mind?

Also: no drugs or drinking? These are baseball fans during the World Series for Chrissake. Boozing is expected. And if they’re Sox fans? Fackin’ maandatahwry. Though he is in Boston, and what Sox fans are gonna need lodging unless they’re displaced natives? Maybe he’s hoping for some of that sweet sweet devout Rockies fan penis–I mean piety. Piety! There are certainly no shenanigans to be had in this fun-free zone of no drinking or drugs. And especially NOT sinful touching! Unless it involves sharing the tiny futon after reading some Leviticus 18:22, quelling the unsated vague feeling–some would say desire? No! It can’t be! You’re a MAN!–in the pit of your stomach while you and Bi-Male spoon and/or reluctantly, just to gauge the ambiance, surreptitiously touch hands or legs or feet under the sheets and lingering to see if he pulls away instantly or–hope of hopes!–lets his hand/leg/foot linger as well as you are wearing your Papelbon/Ortiz/Beckett jersey or perhaps Holliday/Matsui/Tulowitzki vest. Hey Bi-Male: alcohol generally helps these conversions. I mean…just sayin’. Not that I’d know or anything. Cough.

Or maybe he’s fishing for some perverts and is part of some reparative therapy group and is trying to fulfill a quota or something. Perhaps he’ll chain you to the radiator a la Ricci.

In any event: Godspeed, Bi-Male. You are certainly a more enterprising man than I.

[note to self: I wonder if this shit works.]

…

[note to Bi-Male: call me?]

OH MAH GAHWD DOOD

What a bunch of chowdaheads.

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox for winning the AL pennant and advancing to the World Series! Behind a–finally–impressive performance by Dice-K and a big offensive performance by Dustin Pedroia (the pride of Woodland, CA wutwut), the Sox survived a taut six innings before exploding in the seventh and eighth, and rallied from yet another 3-1 series deficit.

Truth be told, it didn’t even seem that close. Once Jake Westbrook gave up four hits in the first inning (though only one run)–after Dice-K looked dominant, with that rowdy Fenway Park crowd–it seemed like a foregone conclusion. Actually, for me, it seemed like a foregone conclusion after game five. Before that game, I remarked to someone, “If Cleveland doesn’t close this out at home tonight, the Sox are winning it all.” Look at me predicting shit.

So. It’s the Team of Destiny vs. the New Yankees.

There are a few oddities in play here. For one, COORS FIELD HAS SNOW ON IT OMG. Second-of-ly, entering game one, the Rockies will have not played a game in nine days. Will any of this matter considering they haven’t lost a game in over a month? OVER A MONTH. They last lost on September 15th, for Holliday’s sake.

As for the Sox, well–they seem like a team that, when they get on a roll, they’re unstoppable (versus the actual unstoppability FOR A WHOLE MONTH of the Rockies). The lineup in the past three games has seemed to finally wake up, and they finally decided to start Jacoby Ellsbury in favor of Coco Crisp, which the entirey of Red Sox Nation (or at  least, those to whom I’m privy) had been clamoring for in the past week. Also, on paper, doesn’t Beckett-Schilling-Matsuzaka look incredibly frightening?

I don’t see how the Rockies can match up with the Sox in either pitching or hitting. But then again, the Rockies took two out of three at Fenway earlier this year when they were nowhere near the Team of Destiny. I guess teams of destiny just find a way to win.

Still: Red Sox in six.

the colorado rockies will eat your babies and spank your momma

But they’ll be really nice about it and you’ll be all, “Dawwwwww, you’re all right.”

Look, it’s already snowing in Denver! That’s not baseball weather!

Oh.

Congratulations to the Colorado Rockies, who continue rolling along, winning their 20th of 21 games. Ho-hum. TWENTY OF TWENTY ONE. Two weeks left in the regular season, in FOURTH for the WILD CARD, and now they’re in the World Series. A miracle win tiebreaker. They killed the Phillies in three, and did the same to the Diamondbacks in four. I am convinced that they will never lose another game.

You do not mess with the Chosen Ones.

Just about the only thing that could cool off the Rockies right now is the fact that they’ll have to wait another eight days before the World Series starts; this could also help them, as Cleveland and Boston seem like they’ll battle to the absolute death in the ALCS. Last night I watched the Tribe-Sox game with Red Sox fan Business or Leisure?; when Kenny Lofton blasted a 2-run shot off Dice-K, it felt like the tone of the night was set. The scary-ass Boston lineup would start making what seemed to be rallies, up until a freak out (Manny’s grounder hitting Papi) or an inning-ending double play (of which there were like seven thousand). Indians lead the series 2-1. After the swagger displayed against Anaheim, the Sox look a bit skittish, and all the nervous confessions made by many a Sox fan (every starter save Beckett, the bottom of the lineup, lack of bullpen options) look–if not to be coming true–at least valid. And about these Indians! It seems like, top to bottom, someone is coming up with a big hit, a walk, a sacrifice, a splendid display of defense to squash a rally. This is going to be a dogfight.

Meanwhile, the Rockies will be waiting. Big Stud Matt Holliday. Clutch Kaz Matsui. Troy Tulowitzki, for whom I have no nickname but my goodness does he come up with like five defensive gems a night or what?!

Godspeed, ALCS champ, whoever you may be.

cheering for vs. rooting against

As a Mets fan first and a baseball fan second, this postseason so far has been one where I’ve been in the position of wondering whether I was cheering for a team or rooting against one. I know it’s not particularly novel, but considering Worst Collapse In History Etc., I wasn’t sure if I needed a break from baseball, if it would be too heartbreaking to watch a postseason that should have included the Mets goddammit, but then: why wallow when you can lash out? The game goes on, and what a beauty of a game it is. Especially when my feared Yankees-Phillies World Series projection was snuffed out early. Schadenfreude is delicious. As are the tears of a clown.

With the four teams competing for a World Series berth, it’ll be less about rooting against. There are no remaining enemies on the Yankees or Phillies scale, really. The Indians are a good, young, exciting team that outslugged the vaunted Yankees; too bad about the racist mascot. The Red Sox are full of lovable talented goofballs; the vaunted New England Smug that would choke the rest of the country were they to get another title would be the only drawback. The Rockies smacked around the Phillies, which is enough to give them my loyalty for the month; if they win it, I’m worried that they will never ever lose another game ever again. The Diamondbacks…I dunno, whatever. But the fact that I have no major beef with any of these teams means that I can just enjoy the play and its subsequent dramatics.

So to celebrate, here are the Babe Representatives of the ALCS and NLCS. I really have nothing much else to say.

Cleveland Indians: Grady Sizemore

Look at my dimples! I am ADORABLE, hello. [note: Sizemore's pictorial Jekyll and Hyde-ness is curious; sometimes he is the hottest thing on two legs, sometimes he looks like a stoned mook.]

Boston Red Sox: Jacoby Ellsbury

I’m the hottest Indian this side of Sizemore LOLZ.

(Alternately, there’s also GM Theo Epstein. Am I crazy, or this guy a total babelicious hunk?

Also, I’ve been told his grandpa wrote Casablanca and his sister worked on Homicide: Life on the Street. Can I be an Epstein, please?)

Colorado Rockies: Matt Holliday

That position works well for you, Matty. Um…excuse me for one second.

…

Arizona Diamondbacks: Micah Owings

I mean, I guess? Any pitcher who can hit two home runs in a game is pretty studly in my book. Also, the Dbacks: not particularly loaded with hotties.

In Mets land, there’s really nothing that I could write that would be any better than this analysis by the incomparable Faith and Fear in Flushing. I agree with just about everything said in it, so just go and read that rather than my drivel.